Title: No More Crying
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,636
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
Josef shoved his hands into his pockets as he roamed down the empty stretch of beach, looking up at the waning moon high in the sky above him. Not too much longer until the sun would come up, and he'd be heading back to his penthouse.
He hadn't felt like staying inside tonight; it was one of the few nights he and Mick had been apart, but those happened now and then, so he wasn't worried. Though he would much rather have his boyfriend sleeping next to him than in the confines of a freezer ....
Shaking off the thought, he sighed, coming to a halt and turning to look at the waves that were rolling in. His jeans were rolled up to his calves, his feet bare; he'd been walking close to the water earlier, and he could still feel the coolness of the water on his skin.
That was one of the things that Mick seemed to love so much about his humanity, he mused, closing his eyes as he thought of the man he loved. He loved those purely physical sensations that he claimed weren't the same to a vampire as they were to a human.
If that was so -- then did Mick not feel his touch as acutely as he would have if he were still human? That was something that Josef couldn't help worrying about; ever since their relationship had started, he worried that he didn't live up to Mick's expectations.
Even though Mick insisted that he had no expectations, and that he loved Josef just as he was, the worry was still there. He'd never been with a man willingly before Mick; he always felt somewhat inadequate, as though he didn't quite know what he was doing.
He was comfortable with their lovemaking now; he was even at the point where he initiated sex just as much as Mick did, if not more. There was no more hesitation on his part; he knew that nothing Mick did was going to hurt him in any way.
The only way that Mick could hurt him was by loving him, by ceasing to love him. That would not only hurt -- it would utterly destroy him. Even after as short a time as they'd been together, Josef couldn't imagine his life without Mick St. John.
Saying that he was in love with Mick would be putting it mildly. Mick was everything to him, in a way that he had never thought anyone could be. He'd never been in love like this; he'd never given his heart and soul so completely to anyone, not in over four hundred years.
No other love in his life could possibly compare to Mick. He'd thought that he was in love before, and he very well could have been. But that love hadn't been his destiny, the person he was meant to be with for not only a lifetime, but for all eternity.
He'd never really believed in such an arcane concept before. Destiny had always seemed like something for bad romance writers, books with garish covers that depicted muscular men who all looked like Fabio and women with vapid, empty faces.
But ever since Mick had come into his life, on that first night that Coraline had introduced them, he'd felt drawn towards the other man. And he had waited patiently for over fifty years before all obstacles had been swept away and he could finally tell Mick how he felt.
It had taken forever, but he'd finally been able to confess his feelings. And, miracle of miracles, Mick had actually felt the same way. That had shocked him; he'd thought that he would be turned away, told that they could never be anything more than friends.
He had been shocked to find out that Mick had been with men before. He wouldn't have expected that -- but considering that Mick was the adventurous type, maybe he shouldn't have been surprised, Josef thought with a wry smile.
Was it stupid to feel hurt that he hadn't been the first man Mick had been with? Of course not, he told himself sternly. If he'd been Mick's first, then it wouldn't have been as good for either of them -- it would have been much more awkward, and it might even have hurt.
But it had been wonderful -- perfect. Mick had made love to him so sweetly and gently the first time they had been together; all of his doubts and fears about being with a man in the physical sense had melted away as though they had never existed.
Mick hadn't been his first, either, Josef reminded himself. Of course, there was a huge difference between the first time he'd been with another man and Mick's first time -- at least Mick hadn't been taken against his will by a whole gang of men, he thought with a shudder.
They were together now -- but what if it all ended? Josef knew from experience that good things never seemed to last; even though it looked as if he and Mick now had eternity to spend with each other, he knew all too well how quickly everything could crash to the ground.
It was hard to believe in happiness that lasted. Any time he'd thought in the past that he had that kind of happiness, it had slipped through his fingers and left him desolate. That was why he'd built such a strong wall of fortitude around himself.
He'd had to get through over four hundred years alone. Until Mick, no one had truly touched the core of his heart. And now that someone had, he was more deathly afraid of losing that person than he'd even been of anything in his life -- even facing the true death.
There was a fine mist in the air; sea spray on his face that resembled tears. Was this what it was like to cry? He'd forgotten what it felt like to produce tears, to have them slipping down his cheeks, to feel that salty wetness on his skin.
He'd wanted to cry so many times in the last few decades since he'd know Mick; he'd felt the need for tears of frustration, anger, and sadness. There had been times when he'd wanted to be able to let those emotions out -- but he didn't have the luxury of tears to do so.
The only way he could cry was to let the sea spray bathe his face, let the saltiness gather in the droplets that clung to his flesh before he wiped them away. It was the closest he would ever come to having the release of tears flowing down his face.
Why would he want to cry now? Josef asked himself as he stood there, looking out over the waves and watching the horizon start to lighten. Everything was going well for him and Mick. Their relationship was a happy one; he had no reason to feel sad, or even apprehensive.
But he knew so well how things that seemed perfect could end in a flash. It had happened to him before -- and his relationship with Mick, the happiness he'd found with the man he loved, was one thing that he didn't want to see come to an abrupt end.
Just thinking about it was enough to make him cry. He could almost feel the tears coming into his eyes, even though he knew that they couldn't. Still, his chest tightened, his throat closed, and a wave of sadness would overwhelm him.
The mist was gathering now, growing thicker, starting to turn into the fog that would herald a cloudy day. Josef wiped the saltiness of that mist from his cheeks, blinking as the sun began to rise and turning away from it. He didn't need to watch a sunrise. He'd seen enough of them.
And he didn't need to think about his relationship with Mick ending, he told himself firmly. They'd already been through so much together, first as friends, and now as lovers. They'd proven that they wouldn't let themselves be torn apart by outside influences.
Their attraction to each other had grown through all the years that Mick had been with Coraline, and it had survived Mick's momentary aberration with that blonde bitch. Nothing was going to pull them apart now, Josef told himself. Nothing.
He had to keep believing that. He had to have faith that his relationship with Mick was going to stand the test of time -- even of eternity. He had to hold on to the belief that the two of them were destined to be, and that this was one thing in his life that wouldn't crumble to dust.
What he had with Mick was stronger than any other emotional tie he'd ever formed in his entire life. It wasn't like any other relationship he'd been in. It wasn't going to fade away, like the fine mist around him that was already starting to evaporate in the light of the rising sun.
Turning abruptly from the panorama of the first rays of sun breaking over the waves, he headed away from the beach, back towards his the city. No more crying, Josef told himself firmly. He would go home, sink into sleep, and wait for Mick to come to his side and awaken him with a kiss.***