Title: The Honey of Hybla
By: shrift
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Fandom: Star Trek
Rating: PG
Notes: Hey, you guys! I finally wrote something ridiculous for my Cliche Bingo "pretending to be married" square!
Beta and whip-cracking by Nestra. I have borrowed from Diane Duane's Spock's World, and the title comes from a bizarrely hilarious ode to The Mint Julep by Charles Fenno Hoffman.
Summary: "Bones, prepare to be my date."***
The Enterprise had taken a beating on her maiden voyage and currently was in the major repair and spacedock facility at San Francisco High; the ship's newly appointed captain, who had also taken a beating but was on the mend, currently was in lower San Francisco at one of the city's many Irish bars, on the path to getting hammered. In a celebratory fashion, of course.
"Today is a good day to be me," Jim said.
McCoy snorted and sipped at his bourbon. "I don't think Star Fleet knows what they're getting into, rewarding you for breaking regulations."
Jim smiled and ordered another whiskey. "My genius will not be denied."
McCoy grumbled under his breath, but it was the fond kind of grumbling, not the kind where Jim had to reprogram his door locks to keep McCoy from breaking into his room and exacting a revenge that Jim wholly deserved. McCoy was smart; almost too smart. He kept Jim on his toes.
Jim glanced around the bar idly, and when something caught his eye, he sat up from his slouch and smacked McCoy on the arm. "Bones, prepare to be my date."
"What the hell?" McCoy spluttered.
Jim pointed and then scooted their stools closer together. "See that gorgeous Valkyrie heading our way? Yeah, the one with the horns. We dated for a few weeks, and the last time I slept with her, I couldn't sit down for almost three days. And while an excellent time was had by all, I have no desire to repeat the experience tonight. Now hold me."
McCoy growled. "Not all of us like to improvise our lives, Jim."
Jim put his arm around McCoy and tucked his fingers into the back pocket of McCoy's pants. "Come on, there's no way she'll believe I've settled down unless it's you."
McCoy widened his eyes. "Settled down -- oh, so we're married now, is that it? Unbelievable!"
"The ceremony was beautiful. My mother cried," Jim said, tugging McCoy closer.
Heaving a great sigh, McCoy leaned into Jim and put his arm over Jim's shoulders. "One of these days, you're going to dive head-first into the deep end and break your neck," McCoy said.
"And then you'll fix me."
McCoy raised an eyebrow. "Just for that, I think I'm going to let you drown a little bit first."
"Fair enough," Jim allowed.
"Jimmy!" someone called.
Jim glanced over his shoulder and waved, goosing McCoy a little with his other hand. "Vahta, hey! How's it shakin'?"
Vahta pushed through the crowd. It wasn't difficult to do; she towered over everyone. She was a foot taller than Kirk, and he'd liked it very much at the time. He still liked it, in fact, but he had Fleet meetings all day tomorrow and he didn't want to show up on his first day as captain hung over, fucked stupid, and possibly in a wheelchair.
And Bones accused him of having no sense of self-preservation whatsoever.
"Do you know how to make a mint julep?" McCoy asked the bartender.
"Oh, come on, it's not going to be that bad," Jim said.
"Yes, it will, and a mint julep will make me feel better," McCoy said.
"You're adorable," Jim said as Vahta finally made it to their stretch of the bar. McCoy kicked his ankle. Hard.
"Long time, no see," Vahta said in her heavily accented English. They pulled away from each other in order to turn around on their stools, but Jim stayed close, draping his arm around McCoy and putting a hand on his hip.
"It's great to see you. What are you up to these days?" Jim asked, and then smoothly interrupted her. "Oh, I'm sorry. Bones, this is Vahta. Vahta, you remember Leonard, don't you?"
"Oh, I've heard a lot about you, Leonard," Vahta said. Her smile was toothy. Then again, she had a lot of teeth.
McCoy looked vaguely alarmed, and reached out to shake her hand. "I can't say the same, I'm afraid."
"So where did you end up?" Jim asked again.
"Cargo Transport," Vahta said.
Jim nodded. "That's great. You look like you're doing well."
"And you! Congratulations!" Vahta lightly punched his shoulder and sent him sprawling onto McCoy's lap. "You have your own ship!"
"Apparently Santa came early this year," McCoy said, dumping Jim back onto his own stool so he could retrieve his mint julep.
"It turns me on when you're grumpy," Jim said with a smile. He leaned closer until his mouth brushed McCoy's ear. "You shouldn't encourage me."
McCoy's scowl faded to a smirk. His mouth was incredibly distracting. "It's my experience that you don't need any encouragement."
Bones was flirting with him. Jim was delighted.
"I can see you're otherwise occupied," Vahta said with a wink. "I just came over to give you my best."
Vahta pressed a very enthusiastic kiss to Jim's cheek and was off again, moving through the crowd like a butcher's knife through warm brie.
McCoy watched her go. "Well, that was most the most ridiculously useless ten minutes of my life that I'll never get back."
"Oh, I don't know about that," Jim said, clapping his hand on McCoy's broad shoulder and then sliding it up to his nape. "It had its moments."
Jim took the mint julep out of McCoy's hand, put it on the bar, and kissed him. He licked at McCoy's lips and his teeth and his tongue; it was enthusiastic, wet, and a hell of a lot of fun.
Jim rubbed at his mouth. "Mm. You taste minty."
McCoy looked stunned. "You are a menace."
"You love it. It's why you married me," Jim said.
McCoy rolled his eyes. "It's why I requested a prenuptial agreement, you ass. Bartender!"
"His next one is on me," Jim told the bartender.
"Oh, you'd better believe that the rest of them are all on you, lover boy," McCoy said.
"Well, I did just get this promotion," Jim said easily. "I think I can handle it."
***