Title: Forever May Not Be Long Enough
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Josef Kostan/Mick St. John
Fandom: Moonlight
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,295
Author's Note: Spoilers for the Moonlight episode "Fated To Pretend."
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Josef Kostan or Mick St. John, unfortunately. Please do not sue.***
Los Angeles, 2008
"I have no regrets."
Mick sighed at the memory of those words; when he'd said them, he had meant them, but not in the way that they'd been heard. The wrong person had heard them, someone who hadn't needed them nearly as much as the person they should have been intended for.
He had seen the look on Josef's face when his lover had asked for forgiveness; he should have said then and there that he had no regrets, that this was what he wanted -- not because of that bitch, but because he could spend the rest of eternity with the person he truly loved.
And he had seen the look on his lover's face when Mick had stood in front of him and lied to his face, stating that he was in love with that woman. He had seen the quicksilver flash of pain in those incredible eyes, the pain that Josef had quickly masked.
It made his heart ache to know that he had been the cause of that pain, that he had inadvertently hurt the man he loved. Especially when he had known that he was lying when he'd said those words, and yet he'd uttered them anyway, wanting to believe them at the time.
He had known when he said those words that he was in love with Josef. Every fiber of his being had told him that he wanted to be with the man who'd been standing in front of him; everything in him had screamed out that he was making a mistake by walking away.
Why had he done it? Why hadn't he listened to his heart and done the right thing?
Because he had been afraid to, a voice in the back of his mind told him. He had wanted to seem as if he was choosing the path that he'd been meant to take -- humanity, for however long it lasted. And he had known that he couldn't have that with Josef.
Then it had all changed, in just a day. In the blink of an eye, it seemed, he had been begging this man to turn him again -- for reasons that were too complicated for him to sort out at the time. He'd thought that it was for her, and no other reason.
That hadn't been the truth, either. He had wanted to be turned, even though it had been hard for him to give up that newfound humanity. And he had gone to Josef to do it because there was no one else he wanted, no one else he trusted.
Being turned again hadn't been for her. It had been because he knew that in his human state, he would drift further away from the man he loved. He might have eventually turned again without going through the ritual, but he hadn't wanted to that the chance that he wouldn't.
If he was human, any life with Josef would have been impossible. They might have been lovers, but there couldn't have been a long-term relationship. Not without him being turned again at some point. Josef would never have settled for a relationship with a human. Not again.
Would he have gone to Josef and asked to be turned if he had admitted the real reason he was doing it? Mick couldn't be sure; he didn't think that he would have head the courage to tell the man he loved the true reason that he wanted to give up his humanity.
At the time, he himself hadn't even been sure of that reason. And he had managed to convince himself that it wasn't for Josef, but for someone else -- someone who wasn't fit to kiss the ground Josef walked on. He had almost let his lover believe that his heart belonged to that person.
How could he have hurt Josef so badly?
Mick's heart clenched in his chest at the thought. Forever wouldn't be long enough for him to make that up to Josef, to say that he was sorry for his actions and his words in a million different ways without actually having to say those very words.
But he was sorry that he'd hurt his lover. Sorrier than he'd ever been about anything. If he could take back the words he'd said on both of those days, if he could somehow erase the pain that he'd been the cause of, he would do it in a heartbeat.
The memory of the pain that he'd seen in the depths of those beautiful eyes could still twist his heart; Mick had a hard time believing that he could have tried so hard to deceive himself about his love for Josef for so long. How could he have been so stupid?
That was behind them now, he told himself firmly, standing up and reaching for his coat. He was going to Josef now, to sink to his knees in front of his lover and beg his forgiveness for all the pain he'd caused. He was going to tell Josef that he was sorry.
Forever might not be long enough for him to assuage his guilt over hurting the man he loved, but he would try. He would try to make up for that pain every day and night of their lives, for the rest of eternity, or for however long the two of them were given.
He would make forever be long enough. He had to.
What if Josef didn't accept his apology? What if his lover couldn't accept the fact that Mick had knowingly turned away from him towards someone he didn't love, simply because he hadn't had the courage to admit what he really wanted?
What if there was no way that Josef could forgive him for those moments of heartache?
Mick could feel his heart stop beating for a few seconds at the thought. But it was immediately replaced by a denial so strong that he almost wanted to utter the words aloud. No. Josef would never be so petty. Not with him. He would never withhold his forgiveness.
Josef had asked him for forgiveness in those seconds before he'd bitten deeply into Mick's throat and begun the process that would bring Mick inexorably back into his world. And Mick had forgiven him even before the deed had been done.
It had been painful for him to take that step back into Josef's world -- even though he'd done it for what he had thought was a good reason at the time. The deeper reason, the true one, had been hidden from his conscious mind, but something told him that Josef knew that reason.
Josef had never doubted the strength of their feelings for each other, even when Mick had. And even if forever wasn't long enough for him to show the man he loved that he was sorry for ever doubting them for a moment, he would do his best to show his true emotions.
He would spend eternity showing Josef how much he was loved. He would make up for the pain he had caused, no matter how long it took him to do it. He would sweep all the hurt away, even if it took centuries for him to achieve that goal.
Forever would be long enough. He would make sure that it was.***