Title: Best of All I've Got
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Carl Hickman/Louis Daniel
Fandom: Crossing Lines
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,905
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the lovely Carl Hickman or Louis Daniel, unfortunately, just borrowing them for a while. Please do not sue.

***

Louis sighed as he lay back in the hospital bed, closing his eyes and trying to force himself to relax. But he was too keyed up, too attuned to the presence of every person who walked down the hallway outside his room. He couldn't simply fall into sleep.

He needed to rest; Carl had been right about that. He wasn't doing himself any favors by staying so on edge. Of course, he hadn't intended to survive the situation he'd gone rushing headlong into, but now that he had, he had to show at least a semblance of trying to recover.

He didn't want to recover.

Closing his eyes, he tried to push the atmosphere of the hospital away, to let himself drift. But that was hard to do when the sounds of the place were all around him, and his ears seemed to be unnaturally sensitive to every one of them.

Was he really just waiting for Carl to come back? Was he listening for that familiar footstep in the hallway, for that presence that he'd grown so used to?

It wasn't just that he was used to having Carl's presence here, Louis told himself with an inward sigh. It was that he had grown to need that presence over the last few hours. Somehow, Carl had made his way behind the walls he'd so carefully constructed around himself.

He should have known that would happen. Carl had been trying to breach those walls for a while -- and he wasn't the sort of person who took no for an answer, or let himself be discouraged if he didn't achieve his objective on the first try.

However he had managed to do it, Carl had made those walls come crumbling down -- he was in Louis' life now, as more than just a friend and colleague. With one kiss and some well-placed words, Carl had moved into his life in a capacity that he'd never been in before.

That was completely unexpected.

Carl had been on his mind more than usual lately; he knew that the other man was trying to break through his walls, determined to get to him.

Louis had been equally determined that those walls should stay up, that he wasn't going to let anyone in, not even someone who he considered a close friend. He wanted to keep his private pain to himself; there was no need for anyone to share in it.

But his pain hadn't been so private, had it? Everyone on the team had known how raw he was; there had been no way to hide that fact, as much as he'd tried to. They had all known, and they had all tiptoed around him, not wanting to make that pain intensify.

He couldn't bring himself to talk about Rebecca's and Etienne's deaths. Not yet. Even though it had been over a year since Etienne had died, and nearly six months since Rebecca had followed him, the pain was still too fresh, too new.

So everyone avoided speaking of it, and that somehow seemed to make the pain worse. It was an elephant in the room, something that everyone tried to ignore.

They all worried about him; Louis knew that. Everyone on the ICC team thought that he was behaving recklessly, throwing himself headlong into situations that were far too dangerous for one man to go into on his own. They all thought he was trying to kill himself.

They were definitely right about that.

For months now, he had wanted nothing more than to follow his child and his former wife into the mists of oblivion. Even though things had been going badly between the two of them at the end, he missed Rebecca. He missed her presence in his life.

He missed that security of knowing that he had someone to go home to, even if that someone had been more or less estranged from him since the death of their son. She had still been there, part of his life, a presence that he was used to having around.

And now, she was gone, just like that, in what felt like the blink of an eye. If he was honest with himself, the love had been gone for a long time, but he still felt the residual dregs of that love; he still cared for her, and he hadn't wanted her to die.

It was too late for regrets, too late to look back and wonder if he could have done anything differently. It was the past; it was over and done with.

Perhaps he was mistaken in Carl's intentions, but he couldn't help feeling that the other man wanted to take up where they had left off so long ago, with that single kiss. The kiss that had made him run away, the kiss that had frightened him more than he could put into words.

Louis sighed again at the thought; the kiss had haunted him for years, even after he had married Rebecca and become a father. He had known the truth of that kiss, of the desires it masked, of the yearning it had created within his soul.

He had always wanted Carl, from the first moment they'd met.

But he hadn't had the courage then to reach out for what he had wanted. The affair that had just ended had broken his heart; he hadn't been in a position where he felt as though he could trust anyone with his heart, much less another man.

Michael had taken care of that for him, he thought with a wry twist of his lips. At times, he wondered how they had managed to keep a friendship alive for all these years.

He had loved Michael more than he'd thought he could love anyone -- and when his lover had pulled away from him, gently but firmly, Louis had sworn that he would never love another man. That was why he had turned to Rebecca, tried to convince himself that they were right for each other.

He had known they weren't. He had known that their relationship would eventually end -- though it had, in the long run, lasted for many more years than he'd believed it would. He had worked hard at that marriage, trying to make it work through sheer force of will.

It had been so hard to admit that it hadn't worked out, that it had been the wrong thing for him from the start. If he'd known then all that he knew now, if he had realized that when he ran away from Carl, he was really running from himself -- would things have been different?

There was no use in looking back at those lost years, Louis told himself. They were over and done with, and he had made his own decisions -- albeit the wrong ones. He couldn't help feeling that he was doomed to walk this earth alone, to never find complete happiness.

Yet wasn't that happiness what Carl was offering him now?

He wanted to reach out and take that happiness, to grasp it with both hands, hold onto it with all of his strength, and never let go. He had let it go once; he had been too afraid to take what was offered. But now, he was older -- and, it was to be hoped, wiser.

Carl was offering him a second chance, a chance that he desperately wanted to take. But again, he was afraid to take it, afraid that it would all fall apart.

What if things didn't work out this time, either? He would be left with nothing, not even the friendship that he and Carl shared now. It had taken him and Michael a long time to solidify their friendship again after their affair had ended; he didn't want it to be that way with Carl.

If he went into this, he wanted to have some reassurance that it would last forever, and he wasn't foolish enough to think that such guarantees would be forthcoming. There was no way of knowing if anything in this world would last or not.

He would simply have to trust that fate wouldn't be so cruel to him a third time; it had taken Michael from him, then his family. If he let himself give in to the burgeoning feelings he had for Carl and then lost him, he didn't think he could survive the blow.

But then again, that would simply be the final nail in the coffin, the ultimate proof that he was indeed meant to walk this earth alone. If he let himself reach out to the flames and once again was burned, then he would know that he had never been meant for happiness.

He didn't want to think that. It was too heartbreaking.

Louis wanted to believe that he and Carl could be together; if he didn't let himself hold on to that belief, then there was truly nothing left for him in this world.

Nothing but his work -- and he already knew that wasn't enough to make him happy. It might satisfy him in some ways, but he needed more than that. He needed someone in his life to love him, someone to come home to, someone to be his safety and security.

That was never going to be easy for him to find, Louis thought, shifting his position in the hospital bed and trying to get more comfortable. But if anyone could be that safety that he sought, it was Carl. He knew that the other man would never betray him, would never leave him.

Carl loved him. He had known that from the beginning, from that first kiss that had promised so much -- a promise that he had been afraid to trust. He wished now that he would have trusted it, that he had been able to overcome his fears and reach out.

Now he had a second chance -- and this time, he wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers. Yes, he was still afraid of being hurt, but he would make himself take the risk. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained -- and this time around, he had a great deal to gain.

He could gain the love of a good man, someone who already meant the world to him as a colleague and as a friend. And now, as something much, much more.

That was well worth taking a risk for.

Carl would be back soon; he had left to take a shower and change clothes, but he insisted on spending his nights here. Louis felt safe knowing that Carl would be watching over him; he wanted to keep having that feeling of safety and security for the rest of his life.

They had been given a second chance, and they move forward slowly and cautiously, one small step at a time. Carl was his chance not to have to walk this earth alone; Louis intended to take that chance, hold it close to him, and never let it go.

***