Title: Not Meant To Be
By: tvdinnersrule
Pairing: gen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Preseries. I've seen stories done on this before, but hopefully not like this. A oneshot about what Dean thought and did after Sam left for college. Dean angst!


Dean's laying on his stomach on a cheap motel bed, facing the dirty window. That's practically all he's been doing since Sam had left for college, which was a few weeks ago. He's been depressed ever since his brother had walked out the door.

John told Dean to stay here, no ordered him to stay here. Said Dean wasn't much help on a hunt, only got in the way. His head wasn't in the job, he wasn't there, he was somewhere else, with Sam.

Dean really didn't care anymore, sure he lived for hunting, but his job was always to watch and protect his baby brother, not be the one who needed protection. But since Sam left, he's felt his job wasn't being done, he's felt useless and alone, like part of him was missing.

His father's words to Sam keep playing over and over in his mind. "If your going to leave, then leave, but don't come back!" He still can't believe his dad said that to his brother, of course, his father would be angry, hell Dean was even angry at Sam, more like heartbroken.

He wanted to tell Sam that their father didn't mean what he said, that he was only scared for him. The truth was, John was horrified about who or what could get to Sam out there on his own. Sam was vulnerable without his big brother and father.

Dean didn't tell Sam though, he let him go off to Stanford because he wanted Sam to be happy, and he knew for a fact that he was never happy when they were hunting, and he never would be.

He always wanted his brother to live a normal life, and if that means going off without him and his father then that's how it has to be.

It used to be John, Dean, and Sammy and now its just John and Dean. His father doesn't like talking about Sam, he gets angry and walks out when Dean brings his baby brother up. John hasn't spoken to Sam, hasn't called him and Sam hasn't called them either.

The first few days Dean had called, and Sam had told him that he was doing good. After about a week though, Sam had purposely missed his brother's calls, and soon after, Dean had stopped calling.

Dean was hurting so much after Sam left, now he just feels useless, he can't stand it. His brother won't answer his calls, he can't talk to his father. He just, he has no purpose anymore.

Dean gets up from the bed and goes over to his duffle bag, where he pulls out a small but very sharp blade. Staring at it for a few moments, he wonders if his brother or father would even care if he were alive or not.

Sam left him; he doesn't seem to need his big brother anymore, his protector. John doesn't seem to need Dean, he said it himself, "You're only getting in the way". Maybe he never really needed Dean; maybe he just needed him to baby sit Sammy.

Now Sammy's gone, so there's no reason for him to be here, sure he wants the demon that killed their mother to rot in hell for what it did, but he has no doubt that his father can find the thing and kill it by himself.

Taking the blade, he walks into the bathroom and closes the door. Dean stares at himself in the mirror for a minute before sliding down the wall between the bathtub and toilet. Only wearing a white T-shirt and a pair of boxers, he shivers as he stretches his naked legs out across the cold tiled floor.

Without another thought, Dean takes one deep breath then takes the blade to his wrists. He grimaces as he slices deeply into the flesh right over the inside of his left wrist. Immediately, the dark colored blood slips through the cut and starts to poor down his forearm and onto his boxers.

Slowly, he puts the blade into his left hand and lazily slits the sensitive skin on his other wrist, a low moan escaping his red lips.

Dropping the blade to the ground, Dean looks down at both arms watching as the blood pours freely. His eyelids start to flutter, and his heartbeat gets louder as it starts to slow down, it's the last thing he hears before he slumps over unconscious.

John Winchester climbs out of his truck and makes his way towards the motel room him and Dean have been staying in the last few days. Opening the door, he looks around the room and doesn't see his oldest son.

He looks to the closed bathroom door, staring at it a moment. Sensing something isn't right, he quickly barges in.

John sees his son slouched down against the wall, there's a lot of blood and his eyes find the small blade laying next to Dean's leg.

He rushes to his son's side, grabbing a white towel from the rack. He rips it in half, tying a piece tightly over each cut. Seeing the blood soak through the white cloth, John throws off his jacket and tears half of his gray T-shirt, tying it over the wet pieces of towel.

Breathing heavily, he puts two fingers to his son's neck and barely feels the slow heart beat. Sighing, he picks up Dean in his arms and walks quickly outside. John sits Dean onto the passenger seat, then climbs in behind the steering wheel and drives as fast as he can to a hospital.

Dean's eyes flutter open and the first thing he sees is a white ceiling. Blinking and licking his dry lips, he slowly looks around the room, his eyes stop on a man sitting in the chair next to him.


"Dean," is all John says.

Sitting up a bit, Dean looks down at his bandaged wrists then back at his father. "Where's Sammy?" He asks quietly.

John stares at him, his expression on his face unreadable and it makes Dean look away. His father sighs, "Why would you do this son?" He asks, his voice full with emotion.

Still not looking at his father, Dean sucks in a breath. "I can't...," his voice trails off and John puts a hand on his shoulder. "I need..." He says looking at his dad, tears streaming down his face.

"Dean, I know you miss your brother, I miss him too," John cuts in. "Sammy has made his decision to leave for good and no matter what, he will always be your baby brother, and he will always be my son. But you have to let him go now, he's not meant to be in the supernatural world. He made his choice to be in the "normal" world. He might not need you protecting him right now, or anymore. Dean, I need you to fight with me, to fight the evil in this world, to help kill the demon that... I need you Dean." He says staring at his son.

Dean stares back at his father, and then nods. "Yes, sir."

When his father nods back, Dean knows that's the last time they will ever have this conversation.

Standing up, John pats his son on the shoulder. "Get some rest, in the morning we're going to Arizona." He says then heads towards the door. Turning around to face his son, he tell him, "Dean... Sam is never to know about this, you hear me?"

"Yes, sir," Dean says, before closing his eyes.


A/N: Beta'd by Lisa (My heart beats only for you)