Title: All Or Nothing
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: Amnesty in January, 5_prompts
Prompt: 1, from table 18 -- All or nothing
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

***

"Do you know that I've never been faithful to anybody in my life the way that I am to you?" Jack told the Doctor as they relaxed back against the pillows of their bed. "I've never been the kind of guy who believed in monogamy. Until I met you, that is."

"It took you long enough to decide to change your whoring ways," the Doctor told him, his tone severe. "If I remember correctly, you left me because you didn't want to be with someone who actually expected you to do something as horrible as be faithful to them."

"It wasn't that I didn't want to be faithful to you," Jack told him, shaking his head. "I did. But I was scared. At the time, I was terrified that it wouldn't be good enough -- and that you'd end up being the one to leave me. So I ran away, instead of facing up to my feelings."

"You should have just stayed and talked to me about how you felt," the Doctor whispered, snuggling into Jack's embrace. "I could have told you that I'd never leave, and that you had nothing to be afraid of. You should have trusted me more, Jack."

"It wasn't you that I didn't trust," Jack told him with another soft sigh. "It was my own feelings. I'd never loved anybody before the way I fell in love with you, Doc. I was scared of those feelings. They were too intense, and I couldn't handle them at the time."

"And that was why you ran away, rather than face up to emotions that scared you so much," the Doctor mused, his voice husky. "That's not like you, Jack. I've never known you to run away from anything before -- not even your own personal fears."

"That, and the fact that I wasn't sure I could be faithful to you," Jack admitted, sounding ashamed. "I wanted to be, more than I've ever wanted anything. But sometimes when I lust after somebody -- I can't help myself. It's just how I'm made."

The Doctor sat up, pushing Jack away with a scowl, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't give me a tired old line like that, Jack Harkness," he snapped. "You're not 'made that way.' That's just a pathetic excuse for you to be able to excuse your whoring."

Jack sighed, closing his eyes and turning his face away as though he couldn't look the Time Lord in the eye. "You're right. It's an excuse that I've used on a lot of people. And you deserve better than that. But it's the excuse I was using for everything at the time."

After a few moments of silence, he continued. "I mean, I said that about everything. I wasn't made to be faithful. I wasn't made to travel in the stars. I wasn't made to lead Torchwood, even. I said that all the time to cover up the fact that I was scared of it all."

"I thought you wanted to lead Torchwood," the Doctor pointed out, his arms still crossed over his chest, warding Jack off. "After all, that's why you left me. Or so you said at the time. Torchwood obviously meant a great deal to you -- more than I did, at any rate."

"No, it didn't." Jack shook his head slowly, letting out a prolonged sigh before he finally turned his head to stare into the Time Lord's dark eyes. "That was just another excuse, Doctor. The truth is, I was scared of falling in love. That's why I left."

"You had already said you loved me," the Doctor told him, his voice choked and strained, the words barely above a whisper. "So you didn't mean it when you said it? It was just a few words to say to make sure that you could stay in my bed while you still wanted to?"

"No," Jack whispered, his own voice even softer than the Doctor's. "I meant those words. I meant them with all my heart. I was just scared to live up to them after I said them. I was terrified that I couldn't be the man you needed me to be."

"Did you really think that I'd have turned you away if you'd wanted to stay with me -- and if you'd been ready to be faithful to me?" the Doctor whispered, the last word choking on a sob. "Did you really believe that I could be that callous to the person I loved?"

"I was scared that I wasn't good enough to be with you," Jack replied, his own voice sounding near the verge of tears. "I've always known that you're an all or nothing kind of guy, Doc. And I was scared that I might not be able to give you my all."

"Were you really?" The Doctor looked amazed at Jack's words, his dark eyes widening in surprise. "I was under the impression that you had given me your all, at one point. Then I could feel that you were regretting that and slowly pulling away from me."

"I did," Jack admitted, feeling guilty. "And I'm sorry, Doctor. I only did that because I was so damn scared of what I was feeling. If I'd had any sense, I would've stopped questioning my heart and just listened to it instead. I knew what I wanted -- I was just scared to go after it."

"I would have been there for you, no matter what," the Doctor told him, his tone reproachful. "You never had to be afraid of those feelings, Jack. Yes, I'm an all or nothing kind of man. But when you're in love, is it so bad to expect that from the person you're in love with?"

"No, it's not," Jack said softly, finally reaching out to pull the Time Lord into his arms. He half-expected the Doctor to pull away from him, to refuse the embrace, but the Gallifreyan snuggled into his arms, letting out a soft sigh that sounded, to Jack, somewhat regretful.

"All that time we wasted, when we could have been together -- if only you would have had the courage to tell me how you felt instead of running away from your feelings." The Doctor's voice was somber, the regret clear in his tone. "But at least we're past all of that now."

"Thank goodness," Jack said with a smile, sinking down into the downy softness of the pillows again. "I spent so many nights kicking myself for what I'd done after I left. But I felt like it was too late then. I didn't know how to tell you that I was wrong."

"That's all you had to say," the Time Lord told him, looking up at him with a slight smile. "Just that you were wrong, and that you wanted another chance. I'd have given it to you, Jack. All I wanted was for you to be with me again. That was all I needed to hear."

"I wish I'd have admitted that a long time ago," Jack murmured, bowing his head to brush a gentle kiss across the Doctor's cheek. "I'd have saved both of us a lot of heartache -- and a lot of guessing about how we really felt. I wondered for a long time if you hated me."

"I could never hate you," the Doctor whispered, raising a hand to stroke his fingertips down Jack's cheek. "I never stopped loving you, Jack. You hurt me terribly, and a part of me wondered if I was nothing more than just another plaything to you -- but I've always loved you."

"That's an all or nothing kind of love, isn't it?" Jack asked, his voice husky. "It's the kind of love I've always wanted to give somebody, and never thought I could. Then I met you -- and when I realized that you were the person I could love that way, I panicked. I'm sorry for that."

"You don't have to keep feeling guilty about it," the Doctor said, closing his eyes. "I forgive you for what you did, Jack. Loving you as much as I do, there was no way I could keep feeling resentful. I was hurt, but I had to forgive you. I love you too much not to."

Jack swallowed hard, obviously holding back tears. Those were the words he'd needed to hear for so long, and now that they were finally being spoken, he could hardly hold back his emotions. But he had to; he didn't want to burst into tears and spoil the moment.

"All or nothing," he finally whispered, his voice catching on the words. "That's what I felt like I had to choose between, Doctor. I had to give you everything -- or walk away from you. And I was stupid enough to think that I couldn't give you everything. I was so wrong."

"But you found out that you could -- and we found each other again," the Doctor told him, looking up at his lover and reaching up to cup Jack's cheek again. "Don't feel guilty, Jack. Maybe our time apart was what we had to go through to realise just how much we mean to each other."

"I think you've turned me into an all or nothing kind of guy myself," Jack told him, taking the Doctor's hand in his and twining their fingers together. "But only with you. It's a good thing that I'll never want anybody else. Because you're the only one I can give that kind of devotion to."

The Doctor didn't answer; he only smiled and curled closer against Jack, closing his eyes and resting his head against the other man's shoulder. They both lay there for a long time, lost in their own thoughts, before they both drifted to sleep in the comfort of their embrace.

***