Title: At This Moment
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 33, Moment
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dear Doctor,

You're asleep in our bed, and I'm sitting here at the desk in what I suppose can be called the sitting room of the Tardis writing because, for once, I'm not all that tired. I should be in bed with you, but I'm too restless and I would keep you awake.

I want to be in bed next to you, but at the same time, I feel that I need to be up and about even though you aren't. I hope you won't wake up before I finish this and leave it on the night table next to your side of the bed, so you won't know that I haven't been there with you all night.

My plan is to finish this letter quickly, then slip under the covers and take you in my arms. And if you wake up .... well, I think you know what I'll do then.

But I'm digressing from the thoughts that were going through my mind when I first began writing this. I'm not sure that I have a point, really. I just wanted to write something to you, because you've been sending me letters a lot lately.

Have I said how much I love that? Well, I do. It always brings a smile to my face to wake up in the morning and see a letter lying on the little table next to our bed. It makes me feel special that you've taken that time to put your feelings into words.

And even though I'm here on the Tardis with you permanently now, it's still wonderful to read those letters. It's as thought I'm somehow able to see into a part of your soul, and to know how you're feeling from reading your words.

I don't need letters to make me love you, but seeing those words written down in black and white gives me a warm feeling that I don't think I would have otherwise.

All right, that sounded rather sappy, didn't it? But it's true. I've thought ever since you first began giving me letters that I didn't read until you were back from your sojourns in the stars that having your letters to read over and over again was a highlight of my life.

Words can mean so much, can't they? Those words that I wrote in the little notes I left you before you knew who was sending them must have meant the same thing to you at the time -- though you didn't show me until later just how much they affected you.

I hardly hoped for that, really. I thought at the time that I would never have more than a few moments here and there with you -- that you were back on Earth because you wanted to rekindle what you'd had in the past with Jack, and that I didn't stand a chance.

As much as I hate to admit this, there were times when I was so jealous of him that it was terribly hard for me to be civil to him at work.

Sad but true. I wanted to be in his place so badly when I thought you wanted to be involved with him again. I went home every night with images of you in my head -- and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried myself to sleep a few nights, thinking that you were with him.

If I'd been more of an outgoing person, maybe had more confidence in myself, it would have been so much easier to do more than leave you those notes. But my own experience with Jack had made me withdraw into myself after we were over.

He was the first man I was ever with, you know. And even though I knew from the beginning that he wasn't the faithful type and that it wouldn't last, I still couldn't help being burnt badly when he turned his back on me and became only a friend.

It really wasn't the mutual ending he claimed it was. I was hurt at first -- though later, after I met you, I realised that it was the best thing that could have possibly happened.

I wasn't heartwhole after Jack -- I don't think anyone could ever be -- but my heart did heal. And what I have with you is so much more than anything he and I ever shared, or anything we might have possibly if we'd stayed together.

From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew that you were the man for me. As romantic as that might sound, it's the truth. I never had any doubts that you were the man I wanted to be with, and that I would spend my life with you.

That might be a bit of an exaggeration. I don't think I was so sure that we would be together -- all of my nervousness about sending you those notes and flowers proves that -- but I knew that I wanted you. No, not just that -- I knew that I loved you.

And that love has only grown by leaps and bounds, Doctor. With every moment I've spent with you, I've fallen more deeply in love.

I know that we'll have many more special moments in our lives together. But I don't think any of them will ever be as special as that moment when I first saw you, and my heart leaped in my chest as if it was trying to make its way to yours.

At that moment, I knew that I had found where I belonged. I'll be able to look back on that moment for all of my life -- because that was when my life truly began. And I know that we'll add more moments to that one, until we have a lifetime of them to treasure.

Yours always,

Ianto

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