Title: Begin To Hope
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 1, 50scenes
Prompt: 22, Hope
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto looked up from where he was comfortably lounging on the couch, casting a glance over at the Doctor curled up in a chair by the window. The Time Lord was engrossed in a book, his eyes following the lines on the page, looking as though he was oblivious to the world.

He'd slowly recovered from whatever had happened to him during his encounter with the Master, but there were still times when Ianto couldn't help but wonder if the Time Lord was actually doing well, or if he was merely pushing what had taken place into the back of his mind and refusing to deal with it. He had the feeling that the Doctor was used to doing that.

Sighing, he stretched out his arms along the back of the couch, leaning his head back and staring up at the ceiling. The Doctor still hadn't told him what had happened during those few days, and Ianto knew better than to push him.

The last time he'd tried to get the Time Lord to talk about it, he'd been met with a wall of stony silence; that in itself was more frightening than the thought of what could have happened to the Gallifreyan to make him have that sort of a reaction to Ianto's quiet request.

And he certainly didn't wnat to risk making the Doctor angry enough for him to decide to leave, without taking Ianto with him. So he didn't ask again, though he had the disturbing sense that there was something he needed to know that the Time Lord was keeping from him.

Exactly what had the Master done to him during that time? Ianto wasn't sure that he wanted to know; it would only arouse more anger and hatred in him towards the Master. But yet, he needed to know; he couldn't keep agonizing over what the Doctor might be going through, wanting to help his lover yet unable to do so.

But if the Doctor didn't want to talk about it, then he couldn't force his lover to do so. That would only lead to bad feelings and resentment between the two of them, and that was definitely the last thing that Ianto wanted. The Doctor was already dealing with enough stress.

He'd hardly noticed that the Time Lord had sat down on the couch beside him, he was so lost in his own thoughts. When the Doctor spoke, voice, soft and low-pitched as it was, made him jump and let out a soft exclamation of surprise.

The Doctor blinked, looking surprised himself. "I'm sorry, Ianto -- I didn't mean to startle you." He laid a hand on Ianto's shoulder, looking anxiously at the young Welshman.

Ianto laughed softly, shaking his head. "I'm the one who should be apologising, love. I was lost in thought. Is something bothering you?" he asked, feeling rather anxious himself as he regarded the Doctor, taking in the expression on the Time Lord's handsome face.

"I was wondering the same thing about you, actually," the Doctor said, his anxious expression not fading away with his words. If anything, it became more pronounced; Ianto had never seen the Time Lord look so worried.

Ianto leaned forward, taking the Doctor's small hand in his and twining their fingers together. "I wouldn't say it's bothering me, exactly," he began, feeling his way along as he spoke. "But it's something that's been on my mind."

The Doctor sighed, closing his eyes. "You want to know what happened when I was with the Master, don't you?"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Ianto hastened to assure the Doctor, wishing that his mind would let the issue go, instead of worrying it like a cat with a mouse. "I just .... I can't help thinking that whatever he did to you is eating away at you. You may be able to push it into the back of your mind, but it will always be there -- until you confront it."

"It's better that you don't know, Ianto," the Doctor told him, squeezing his fingers and moving closer to him on the couch. "I know that probably doesn't seem fair to you, but .... it would only make you angry, upset you, and possibly make you feel that you had to take revenge in some way. I'd rather just let it go and put it in the past."

"I'd thought of that," Ianto said with a sigh, wanting to agree with the Doctor but still feeling that he had to put up some sort of protest. "As much as I feel that I need to know, maybe it's better that I don't. It's only going to make me feel even more powerless than I already do."

"I don't want to leave you with a question mark in your mind, Ianto." The Doctor's voice was barely audible; he sounded as though he was forcing his words out. Ianto squeezed his hand again, letting the Time Lord know that he was there, listening, ready to do whatever he could to make those words easier for the Gallifreyan to get out.

"My imagination can probably think up worse things than what actually happened," Ianto murmured, hoping that his words wouldn't upset his lover and push him further into the shell of silence that he seemed to have retreated into ever since Ianto had rescued him from the Master. "It nags at me constantly, knowing that I couldn't do anything to help you."

"Ianto, you can't blame yourself for that," the Doctor said firmly, reaching for Ianto's other hand and taking them both into his grasp. "You couldn't have known that he was looking for me. You're completely blameless in this, and I won't have you taking on any guilt because of it."

"It's hard not to," Ianto admitted, looking down at their clasped hands. "I feel that I've failed you -- that I should have been able to keep you safe, and didn't. That you deserve better than me."

The Doctor shook his head, raising his head to meet Ianto's gaze. "That's not true, Ianto. There's no one else I want to be with. You may not be able to keep me safe all of the time -- but I can't keep you safe, either. That's a two-way street, you know. I'm just as responsible for you as you are for me. More so -- because I know the threats that are out there. You don't."

Ianto sighed again, looking down, unable to meet the Time Lord's intense eyes. Somehow, he felt more guilty when he was looking at the man he loved -- as though he was unworthy of the love and the trust that the other man had placed in him. "I should be aware of those threats, Doctor. What good am I to you if I can't protect you from things like that?"

"You're my hope, Ianto." The Doctor's fingers tightened around his, making him look up and meet that dark gaze. "Without you, I'd have given up and let him do whatever he pleased. The thought of you -- knowing that you would find me -- was what kept me going."

"I wouldn't have just left you there," Ianto whispered, wondering if the Doctor might have thought, even for one moment, that he'd be left there, that Ianto wouldn't have tried to find him. "I'd have done anything to get you away from him. No matter what it took."

"I know you would," the Doctor said softly, his unflinching gaze not leaving Ianto's face. "I never gave up that hope, Ianto. Not for a single moment. I had faith in you -- I knew that you would find me. I've never had that kind of hope before. I've always had to get myself out of those sorts of situations on my own. Having that beacon of hope to hold on to got me through."

Ianto reached out to cup the Doctor's chin in one hand, studying those perfect features as though he was imprinting the Time Lord's visage on his mind's eye. "No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you. If I can't keep you safe all the time, at least I can give you that assurance."

"Hope can be the greatest thing in the universe, Ianto," the Doctor murmured. "Without that spark of hope in all of us, the world would be a bleak place."

Ianto brought the Doctor's hands to his lips, kissing each fingertip and then turning them over to place a gentle kiss on each palm. "I'm honoured to be the one who can give you that kind of hope," he whispered, keeping the Doctor's hands in his own, not wanting to let them go.

"Do you still feel that you need to know what he did to me, Ianto?" The Doctor's voice was slightly hesitant, as though he was having a hard time asking the question. "You do have a right to know -- even if I'm not sure that it would be a good idea, at least not at this point. But I'll tell you, if you feel that it's necessary."

Ianto shook his head firmly, holding up one hand. Yes, he wanted to know. But the two of them seemed to have broken down some sort of barrier with the few words they'd exchanged during the past little while -- and somehow, he had the definite feeling that his knowing too much might put them back to where they'd been before. No. He didn't need to know. Not any more.

"No, I don't," he said, his voice soft. "Maybe sometime in the future, when you feel that you're able to tell me -- but for now, I think I need to let it go. If you're able to deal with it -- then so can I. It may not be easy -- for either of us -- but we have each other to lean on. And we always have that beacon of hope to hold out to each other."

"Good." The Doctor looked down at their hands; their fingers were entwined, almost clinging to each other. "There's no telling what will happen in the future, Ianto. But whatever happens -- I want you to know that you'll always be my hope. And that I'll never let go of that hope."

"Neither will I, love," Ianto whispered, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. Things weren't completely settled in his mind -- but he did feel more assured now, more able to look into the future without the hesitation and anxieties that he'd been feeling.

Their future might not be clear to either of them, Ianto told himself, but as long as they held out that spark of hope to each other, they'd be able to make it through anything that came their way.

***