Title: Bring Back the Light
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, letter100
Prompt: 36, Sun
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

It's hard for me to believe that you've actually come back to me. It seems like a dream that I'm walking through, a dream that I'll eventually wake up from to discover that none of this has been true and that I'm lying alone in a cold bed.

I've actually had to pinch myself more than once and remind myself that this is true, that you're really here with me and that I'm not dreaming. It seems almost like a fairy tale; sometimes I can't quite fathom that you've chosen me over Torchwood.

How long is it going to take for me to convince myself that this is all real, and that you won't change your mind and turn your back on me again? I don't know. It could be weeks, or it could even be years. But I'm sure that I'll eventually come to accept it as the truth.

I'm still living day to day in this life that we're starting to build for ourselves. I suppose there's a part of me that still doesn't quite want to believe that it's true; I don't want to go through the same kind of pain as I did the last time you left.

I should trust you, Jack. I know that. You keep telling me over and over that you won't leave again, and I want to believe you. I want to give you my complete and utter trust, but you have to know how hard that is for me, given the history that we have behind us.

When you left, it was as though the sun went out of my world. I felt like I was groping along in darkness for a while, even though in reality, I wasn't. It's strange for me to have that sort of feeling; but then, no other companion has been my lover as well.

You and I had a very different relationship than I've ever had with any other companion. You broke down so many barriers that I'd set up between myself and the rest of the world, Jack. You turned me into a different person in some ways, a person I never thought I would become.

I put those barriers back up very quickly after you were gone. I swore that I was never going to let any companion get that close to me again -- and I didn't. I never even had another companion after you. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

It would have felt too much like I was trying to replace you. There was no way that I could let anyone be that close to me again, and at the time, I felt as if even having a companion would be letting another person into my life on far too intimate a level.

It's probably hard for you to understand, because you've never been afraid of that kind of intimacy, at least not on the physical level. You find it easy to be both a friend and a lover at the same time -- and if the "lover" side of that comes to an end, it doesn't bother you.

I'm not built that way. I can't go from being a lover to being a friend and back again -- and I can't put a lover out of my hearts and my mind as easily as you can. I may not be human, but in some ways, I think that I have a very human code of morality.

It's not that I don't think you have morals -- of course you do. But they're far different from mine, in some ways. You're not an immoral man, Jack. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that you live on a different plane than I always have, with different ways of looking at life and relationships.

The sun went completely out of my life when you left. Not just the sun, but the light that guided me. I was still living, of course. I was still traveling the galaxy in the Tardis, still doing what I felt I had to do, still existing. But it was only an existence for a long time. Not a life.

I eventually put it all behind me -- or at least I thought I did. There were times when your presence would come back to me so vividly that I almost thought you were there beside me, holding me, loving me. It was impossible to completely push you away.

All I could think of at those times was how badly I wanted you to bring back the light into my life. It was painful beyond words to think that I'd lost you for good, and that every time we met from then on, it would be only as friends, that we'd be awkward with each other.

I couldn't bear that, especially at night when I was tossing and turning in the bed that I used to share with you, trying to force myself to sleep because I needed rest. I felt that I'd never be able to rest without you beside me, that I'd be doomed to this half-life forever.

And then .... I came back to Earth, looking for you, in a way, but afraid to go to you. Yes, I was afraid. I admit that. I was afraid that we'd fall prey to the awkwardness I'd imagined, that nothing would be the same, that the hope I was clinging to would be extinguished.

I'm sure you'll laugh at that. You'll scoff at the idea of me being afraid of your rejection, thinking that I'm not that vulnerable, that you couldn't possibly have meant that much to me. But you'd be wrong about that, Jack. Very wrong.

I may not be vulnerable in most ways -- but in your case, I am. I don't think anything could ever hurt me more than being rejected by you again -- which is why it's so hard for me to give you my complete trust even now, when I know that you should have it.

You've brought back that light into my life, in so many ways. But there's a part of me that can't help wondering how long it will stay. I know you say that you'll never leave me again, and a part of me wants to believe you. But another part can't help thinking that those are only words.

I'm struggling to get past the part of myself that's filled with disbelief. I want to embrace our relationship wholeheartedly, and put these doubts of your sincerity behind me. I don't know how long it's going to take me to do that, but I'm trying, Jack. I really am.

I want the sun to come out past the clouds that your leaving formed around us. It's trying, and I think it's peeking out a little more each day. The light is coming back, even though it's taking a while for that happen. I hope it'll eventually come out all the way.

It may take me a while to completely trust you again. It may be some time before I can forgive without misgivings. But I'm working on that, love. And I think that I'll get there .... eventually. You've managed to bring back the light to me, and I'm reaching for it and holding on as tightly as I can.

Your

Doctor

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