Title: Conquering Fears
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Ianto Jones
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3, letter100
Prompt: 10, Country
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Ianto Jones, unfortunately. Please do not sue.

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My dearest Ianto,

The more I think about it, the more I think that I might have made a mistake in trying to convince you to stay out in the countryside for the night. I keep forgetting that you underwent a terrible trauma in the past, and that it's not so easy to get over your fears.

I feel ashamed of myself for pushing you in that direction when you clearly weren't ready for it. I'm more sorry for that than I can say, Ianto. I know that you wouldn't have done the same to me; you would urge me to face my fears, but not try to talk me into doing so.

Still, we did stay there overnight, and you only woke twice in the night when your subconscious mind told you that there was some threat nearby. And I found it interesting that you seemed more worried about protecting me than yourself.

You shouldn't have been worried about me, love. I can take care of myself. But I was impressed at the way you jumped in front of me, and told me to stay back. That showed immense bravery, Ianto. You may not think you're ready to face your fears -- but you already have.

Of course, the sound was nothing more than a squirrel, apparently searching for nuts. We both laughed when we saw him, and that seemed to ease your tension a great deal. After that, the rest of the night went by so quickly that it seemed to fly.

The country shouldn't hold such fears for you, Ianto. That trauma that you suffered was a one-time thing; it's not going to happen every time you spend time in the countryside. It's not the place that holds such evil; it's the people who populate that place.

I know you realize that, in your head. But in your heart, you can't help but feel nervous and wary. I can understand that. I've felt the same way about some places -- and I have my own fears that I know I'll need to conquer at some point. Fears that I've had for a long time.

The fact that I can understand and sympathise with your fears is exactly why I don't have any right to try to push you into getting past them. I know how paralysing fears can be -- even when we know that there's nothing hiding in the dark, waiting to spring out at us.

I think that the irrational fears we have are actually more frightening the the ones that are more corporeal -- our minds can always turn those fears, especially ones based on traumas from our pasts, into more than they ever could have been in reality.

Your fear of being out in the open country isn't an irrational fear, Ianto, not after the terrifying experience you went through. I only hope that you'll be able to put that experience behind you at some point, grapple with your fear, and win the struggle.

At this point, maybe it's still too close to you. I can understand that, as well. It really wasn't that long ago that you lived through something most people can't even begin to imagine the horror of -- and it's inevitable that such an experience would leave a mark on you.

I still have fears that I've harbored since I was in my first body -- fears that I keep hidden under the surface, but that have never quite gone away and very likely never will. But even though those fears sprang to life a long time ago, they're still very much a part of me.

I don't want you to have to struggle with your own fears for as long as I've dealt with some of my own. I propose a bargain between us -- you keep fighting to conquer your fear of being out in the open country, and I'll work at dissipating my own.

That isn't going to be easy for either one of us, I know. But as a wise man once said, nothing worth having ever comes easily. And I think that it will mean more to us to have conquered our fears if we can't simply put them behind us without another thought.

Even though I can understand your fears, I have to admit that I like being in the country at times. I don't think it's frightening -- I find it calm and peaceful, a place where I can relax and feel that I'm in the midst of nature, rather than surrounded by a man-made atmosphere.

I've always liked the country, but I can understand your fear of it. If I'd been through the same trauma that you were subjected to, I don't doubt that I would feel the same way -- and I don't know if I would be able to face that fear as bravely as you have.

I'm not going to force you into staying overnight out in open country again. It was wrong of me to try to force you to face that fear; I feel a bit ashamed of myself for putting you in that position. I should have known that you wouldn't feel as if you had a choice.

I know that you stayed there last night to please me, Ianto. Not because you wanted to, or because you felt ready to face your fears and grapple with them. But simply because you felt that you had to do it because it was what I wanted.

It was wrong of me to push you in any way, love, and for that, I'm sorry. But I hope that the bit of pushing I've done might have helped you get one step closer to conquering those fears, to putting them behind you for good and not having to look back at them.

That's something that can be very hard to do, as I know so well. But we can help each other down that path to getting past our fears. We both need to concentrate on that -- not every day of our lives, but when we both feel that we're ready to face those demons.

I have a feeling that the next time we're in the country, you won't feel as nervous and vulnerable as you have in the past. Small steps, Ianto. They might take a while, but they'll get you there in time. You're well on the way down that path -- and I'm right here beside you every step of the way.

Always your

Doctor

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