Title: Crumbs!
By: minimumstitch
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Torchwood is not owned by me but is owned by the BBC and RTD and I am just enjoying playing with their characters.
Summary: A little oneshot inspired by the 'Biscuit Injury Evaluation' findings that were published.

***

The hand appeared out of nowhere, removing the biscuit from between his lips. He turned and stared at the thief, his displeasure evident.

"What the hell are you doing, Jack?" Ianto demanded. "I was looking forward to that!"

Jack stood his ground, totally unrepentant. "No more biscuits! I mean it, as of now biscuits are banned. Here, have this!" He thrust a carton of yoghurt at Ianto.

The Welshman just looked at him, not moving an inch.

"Come on, it's good for you and perfectly safe." Jack wheedled.

"I don't want bloody yoghurt; I want a bloody Custard Cream! I have been cleaning up Weevil and dinosaur shit for the past two hours. I just want a cup of coffee and a biscuit. Give it back!" He lunged at Jack, trying to remove the offending biscuit from Jack's grasp, only to be stopped by Jack popping the biscuit into his mouth and swallowing it after two hurried bites. "You wanker! What the hell did you do that for?" Ianto demanded.

"It's for your own safety." Jack answered pompously.

"What do you mean 'it's for my own safety'? What the hell damage could a Custard Cream do? It's a biscuit, not a bloody weapon!" Ianto asked in confusion.

"You could choke to death on the crumbs or burn yourself dunking the biscuit. Have a Jaffa Cake instead." He passed a box of Jaffa Cakes to Ianto. "Just make sure you don't eat them alone! I'm serious; if you want one, have Tosh or even better Owen, around."

Ianto looked at him as though he were demented before he groaned. "Jack, how many times have I told you to stop reading research company findings on the internet?"

"But it's been proven that Custard Creams are the most dangerous biscuits, even Jaffa Cakes have an element of risk!" Jack replied. "I don't want you taking any unnecessary risks."

Ianto put his arm around the older man, holding him tight. "It's sweet that you don't want me to be hurt but I work for Torchwood. My most menial task involves cleaning out Weevil cells and you are worried about me choking to death on a custard cream?" He gave Jack an exasperated look before kissing him on the cheek and grabbing the packet of Custard Creams from his grasp.

As Ianto walked away, Jack couldn't help yelling out to him. "Don't come running to me when you choke on those!"

Ianto just shook his head and stopped at Tosh's desk. "You need to up your security system, Tosh, he got through."

Tosh groaned. "What was it this time?"

"Dangerous biscuits."

Tosh stood up abruptly. "I'm going to kill him! I've been giving Gwen hell about stealing my nice biscuits and it was him all along. I even thanked him for giving me one of his Jaffa cakes!"

***