Title: The Fear
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 2, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 9, Fear
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

How long was he going to feel like this?

The Doctor sighed, resting his chin on his hand as he leaned over the console of the Tardis. He'd been thinking about his relationship with Ianto all day, and he still hadn't come to any satisfactory conclusion that would answer the questions crowding into his mind.

He'd always wanted to be loved and accepted by .... by someone. Someone who didn't care that he was alien, who could look past that and love him for who he was. And now that he'd found that someone, he was terrified of losing them. He couldn't keep himself from thinking of the time when Ianto would no longer be a part of his life.

How long would he worry and obsess over this? For the rest of his life in this body, however long that might last? What would happen when he was forced to regenerate? Would the feelings that he now had for his young lover fade, the same way that some of his memories did with each new body?

He didn't want that. He didn't want his love for Ianto to dim in any way, whether he was in this body or a completely different one. He didn't want to lose the feeling of being loved, being cherished, being the first prpriority in someone's life, in their heart.

It was bound to happen. Ianto was human; he was inevitably going to age and die, and leave like all the other people in his life had done. He didn't blame Ianto for that. It wasn't his fault that he was human, and he'd known since the two of them met that they wouldn't be with each other on a physical level forever.

That fact didn't make the knowledge of inevitably being alone again any easier for the Doctor to deal with. Being alone .... his greatest fear. The one thing that he'd ever been mortally afraid of; even in the times when he'd been alone by choice, swearing that he didn't want anyone else in his life to get close to him and break his heart yet again, that fear had still been in the back of his mind, chasing him down.

He probably wouldn't ever be able to get past that fear. In fact, he was sure that he wouldn't, not completely. Having Ianto in his life had gone a long way towards easing it, but that gnawing coldness would always be there, waiting to consume him at the first chance it had.

Ianto's love and care had helped him to push that fear back, to banish it into the shadows of his mind. But now, it was starting to come to the forefront again, and he didn't know why.

He'd never been prone to irrational fears before; any time they'd attacked, he'd pushed them away, covered them with a mask, not wanting anyone to see them. He'd always dealt with them alone, never fully bringing them out into the light to study them and confront them. But now, it seemed that he might have to.

The Doctor frowned, going over the past few days in his mind. There hadn't been anything out of the ordinary that had occurred; for once, they'd managed to avoid trouble, keeping to themselves, enjoying the time that they had with each other.

There hadn't been any occurrence to make this fear suddenly come to the forefront of his mind; nothing but the knowledge that sooner or later, this happiness was going to end. At some point, he was going to be alone again, more alone than he had ever been in his long life.

He'd never known the kind of happiness before that he'd found with Ianto; having had it once, it would be all the harder to go through the rest of his life without it. Once Ianto was gone, he would be a shell of what he'd been. He doubted that he would want to go on, no matter what the consequences might be.

Ianto wouldn't approve of that attitude, of course. His young lover would frown if he could hear the Doctor's thoughts, tell him that he was being morbid, and that they still had years, to be with each other, decades of time before they would even have to consider a final separation. Ianto always knew the right things to say to put his fears at rest -- at least for a while.

But those fears weren't going to be kept at bay forever. As much as Ianto could manage to soothe them, they were always hiding in the background, waiting to pounce and attack again when he least expected it. Somehow, nothing seemed to keep them away on a permanent basis.

The Doctor sighed again, closing his eyes and running a hand through his hair. This was his own paranoia talking, he told himself firmly, trying to convince himself that he should stop worrying. Ianto was right. There was no reason for him to think about something that was far, far in the future.

But was it? Something could happen any day. He could be killed. He could regenerate. Ianto might not be able to love him or even want to be with him if he was in another body, one that the younger man found distasteful. Ianto could even be killed ....

The Time Lord squeezed his eyes closed more tightly, his small, delicate hands clenching into fists at his sides. No. Not that. Anything but that. He wouldn't think about it. It wasn't going to happen.

He had to try to push these fears away, to lock them down somewhere that they couldn't get free to torment him again. It wasn't going to be easy; he'd lived with them for centuries. But somehow, he had to try. He couldn't let fear rule his life. He'd never done it before, and he shouldn't do it now.

No. He didn't have to try. The Doctor cleared his throat, clenching his fists again and taking a deep breath. He had to do more than try. He had to push those fears away, stand up to them, and make himself believe in what Ianto said and what, deep within himself, he wanted to hold true.

They weren't going to be parted, not for a long time to come. He and Ianto belonged together; he didn't know what sort of fate had planned their lives and had brought them to each other, but now that he'd found the person he was meant to be mated with, he wasn't going to give them up.

And he wasn't going to let his fears of their final separation rule him. He'd never done that with any other companion, or anyone else he'd ever been involved with, the Doctor mused. Why would it have started now, with this particular man?

That wasn't even a question, was it? He felt this way because Ianto was his mate, the man who he'd been destined to be with from the moment he came into existence. Even though Ianto hadn't been born until nearly 900 years into his existence, the Doctor had been meant for him. He felt this way because Ianto was a part of him, a part that could never be replaced.

It was going to hurt unbearably when they finally did have to part; he'd already accepted that. But he would deal with it when the time came. As Ianto said, there was no use worrying about it long before the time actually came. He was only hurting himself by doing that.

He was going to face this fear, and conquer it. That wouldn't be easy, but he had Ianto by his side to help him. As the young Welshman had said many times before, as long as they had each other, they could face anything. With everything in his hearts, the Doctor wanted to believe that he was right.

Taking another breath, the Doctor glanced towards the corridor that led towards their bedroom, a small smile curving his lips. He shouldn't be standing here in the control room. He should go to Ianto, slip into bed beside him, luxuriate in the nearness of the man who was his mate, his lover, and his companion.

It didn't matter how far into the future they might be together. What mattered was that they were together now. He had to remember that, hold it in his mind and in his hearts.

The Doctor looked around the control room, satisfying himself that all was well and that there was nothing that he might need to do for a while. With another small smile, he headed towards the corridor to their bedroom, his step quickening at the thought of spending a few hours with the man he loved.

***