Title: Green Eyed Monster
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 3
Prompt: 33, Jealous
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

This is one letter I'll write that I know will be received by the person it's meant for. Don't ask me about that; I don't feel that I have to explain my meaning to you. Suffice it to say that this is something I've felt that I've needed to write for a long time, and that it will be a relief for this to be out in the open between us.

Yes, it's about the Doctor, but not necessarily about my relationship with him. You know how I feel about my personal life -- I've always felt that it should be kept personal. That was one problem I always had with us being involved, even though you know that my feelings for you went very deep into my heart. They still do, only in a different way.

The Doctor understands that, because I believe that he still has those same kinds of feelings for you as well. We both look at you as an indispensable friend, Jack, someone who will always be a part of our lives. Both of us have loved you, and lost you -- though we've lost you in different ways. And what we've lost as a lover, we've gained as a true friend.

No one will ever replace you in my life. Any person you love is never really replaced; even though you may have dozens of other lovers in your life after them, anyone who has ever really touched your heart will always remain there. I don't think of you in the same way any more, and I know that you aren't the love of my life, as I'd thought you were when we first became involved. But I know that you will always be special to me.

And to the Doctor, as well. Which is what the meaning of this letter is all about.

When I first met the Doctor, I was determined to stay away from him. I was sure that he'd returned to Cardiff because the two of you intended to resume your relationship, and I didn't feel that I had any right to stand in the way of that. After all, you and I had ended what we had, in a mutual way, and I didn't want to keep you from your happiness.

But I actually had a terrible time feeling happy for you. My jealousy got in the way, you see. It was impossible for me to feel happy that you were with someone else. And not because I was jealous of the Doctor for having you -- or at least for thinking that he did. No, I was feeling something very different, and much more powerful.

I was jealous of you for having the Doctor. You see, from the very first time I saw him, the first time I looked into his eyes, I wanted him.

For those first few seconds that I stood there looking into his eyes, I thought I hated you. I desperately wanted to be the man he was with, and all I could think of was how I could manage to spend time with him, be around him. I wanted to push you into the background and have him forget that he had ever known you.

I knew that I could never compete with you in any way, Jack. There's still a part of me that wonders if I could ever measure up to being half the lover that you are, even though I know that he loves me and that the two of us are meant to be together.

How could you bear to walk away from him? That must have bee nthe hardest thing you ever had to do, and I can sympathise with you for having to harden your heart to the point where you were capable of doing it. I don't know exactly why you did, but I can't say that I'm sorry you did. If you hadn't, the two of us might never have found each other. But I am genuinely sorry that you had to give him up.

I could never do that. I could never be as brave as you are, not when it comes to him. I could never give him up, even if it was for his sake. I'm far too greedy for my own good, I know. Perhaps if it came down to that, I could walk away from him if it meant that his life would somehow be happier. But I would cease to exist. I know that.

He's everything to me, Jack. Everything. He's my entire life, my heart and soul. No matter how many times I say it, it never quite seems real to me that he's chosen to be with me, that he loves me as fiercely and as desperately as I love him. It doesn't seem possible that such a man should want me and love me as he does.

I won't ask how you could willingly turn your back on him, because I know that you haven't. And I'm very sure that in some part of yourself that you keep hidden, you still love him. I don't believe that anyone who's ever truly loved the Doctor could forget him, or that their feelings for him could change. He's the kind of man who you never quite get over.

We'll never turn away from you, either. You must know that. Even though I was jealous of what I thought was the rekindling of your relationship with him, I could never put you out of my heart. You'll always be one of my dearest friends, and I will always be there for you. And I know that the Doctor will, too.

In a way, we share him. I know that I have him, hearts, body and soul -- but you also have a part of him that no one else ever will. And for some strange reason, I don't mind sharing him with you in that way. I don't have to compete. Not with someone who honestly loves him.

You know the outcome of my jealousy. The love notes, the roses, that first fateful meeting of ours in the Tardis when I thought that he was asleep and wouldn't know that I was the one leaving those tokens of affection. Juvenile, maybe, but I didn't quite know how to express myself -- and I still wasn't sure that he could feel anything for me. There are still times when I need to pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming.

When I look back at the past few months, the time that I've spent with him, and the feelings that have only grown into an unbreakable bond during that time, I wonder how I could have ever doubted that he and I were meant for each other. And I laugh at myself for feeling that irrational jealousy of you.

But at the time, my paranoia seemed very real. After all, I hadn't been able to keep you -- so what in the world could have made me think that I could keep a man like the Doctor? It took some convincing on his part for me to believe that he actually cared for me and believed that I was his destiny. But he may have already told you about that.

I've not been immune to jealousy in other ways, too. The few times that he's spent hours alone with you, I couldn't help wondering if you gave in to temptation and attempted to seduce him. I hate myself for thinking like that, when I know that you would never interfere with my happiness in that way -- and certainly not with his.

I'm ashamed of myself for thinking that you would do something that low. And I'm truly ashamed that I could have thought of him in that way. I know that he isn't capable of that sort of deception, and certainly not with me. I should never have entertained those thoughts.

All I can really say is that I'm sorry, Jack. I'm sorry for having feelings like that about you, and I'm sorry that I could have ever thought such disloyal thoughts. I won't let those thoughts plague me again. They're not worthy of you, or worthy of the man I love.

What else can I say? Nothing, I suppose. You know it all now -- all the things I've felt, all that I've thought. I'm not particularly proud of some of those feelings, but at least they're honest. And I've been able to work through them, so that my relationship with the man I love, as well as my friendship with you, will both be unbreakable bonds that will never fray or sever.

Always,

Ianto

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