Title: Your Haunted Head
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, 10_prompts
Prompt: 5, Haunted
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto looked over at the Doctor and suppressed a sigh, looking away quickly. The Time Lord still seemed a bit melancholy, but he wasn't sunk into the depression that had claimed him for the past few days. Ianto couldn't help but feel relieved about that.

The Doctor had been plunged into that depression by the anniversary of Gallifrey's destruction, and Ianto didn't blame him for that. He wouldn't have expected the Time Lord to be so emotional, but his lover had explained the reasons to him.

He'd told Ianto that since he'd opened himself to a relationship, his emotions were much nearer to the surface -- and that made him more susceptible to those feelings. Rather than push them away, the Doctor was determined to let them into his life.

"I've held back my emotions for too long," the Doctor had told him, taking Ianto's hands in his own and looking into the young man's eyes. "I've kept them down, not wanted anyone to see them. It's time that I stopped doing that and shared them with you."

Ianto couldn't have agreed with him more. The Doctor certainly wasn't an unemotional man -- he'd never met anyone in his life who cared so much about the welfare of others. But Ianto knew that the Time Lord tried to cover up that side of himself.

It was because of what he'd been told of all of his life when he was younger, of course. At least, that was what Ianto thought -- that the Doctor had been admonished over and over to keep his emotions to himself, so that was what he tried to do.

But he was different from the others of his race. He couldn't keep his emotions quiet; they wouldn't stay calmly hidden and unexpressed under a smooth facade of disinterest. The Doctor wasn't the kind of man who could keep his feelings constantly to himself.

Ianto was glad of that. One of the things he loved about this man was the fact that he was ingenuous and open, that he was so completely unself-conscious at times. He still evinced the wonder of a child discovering new experiences so much of the time.

It amazed Ianto at times how the Doctor could be so childlike about new experiences, with all that he'd seen and done in his many lives. Just another contradiction in a man full of them, he supposed, and just another reason to love him.

Yet he could be so haunted by events of the past, the young man thought, sneaking another glance at the Time Lord to find that he himself was being covertly watched. As their gazes met, the Doctor let out a soft laugh, shaking his head.

"Why are we standing here stealing looks at each other like this?" he asked, resting his hands on the Tardis' console and looking his lover in the eye. "It's almost as though we're both hiding something that we're each afraid to get out into the open."

Ianto shook his head, categorically denying the Doctor's words. "I'm not hiding anything," he said, his tone just a touch defensive. "I'm thinking about you, actually. Thinking about how glad I am that you're coming out of that depression you've been in."

"I'm sorry about that, Ianto," the Time Lord said with a sigh. "I know you've been worried about me. But I told you that it was something to be expected. Now it's past, and I'm putting those memories behind me as best I can. It's just taking a bit of time."

"But you're not packing them away for good," Ianto said softly, not wanting to point out that fact, but not able to simply let it go, either. "You'll feel the same on the next anniversary of Gallifrey's destruction, and the one after that, and after that. It won't stop."

"No, I doubt that it will." The Doctor's voice was calm, but it didn't hold the defeated note that Ianto had grown used to hearing over the past few days. "But wouldn't you rather have me feeling sad on that date than have my emotions sealed away and never expressed?"

Ianto had to nod, agreeing with the Time Lord. The Doctor was right; keeping those emotions tightly leashed wasn't going to be good for him in the long run. Better to let them out, admit to what he was feeling, and let himself heal, even if the process was slow.

"It just hurts to see how badly this haunts you, love," he whispered, reaching across the console before he realized that it would be easier to simply walk around it and take the Doctor in his arms. "There are so many ghosts inside your head."

"And there will be a lot more before the end of my days," the Doctor said softly, turning to face his lover as Ianto came around the console to him. He rested his head against the young man's shoulder, falling silent as Ianto's arms wrapped around his waist.

"There's so much inside your haunted head," Ianto whispered, resting his cheek against the Time Lord's soft hair. "I wish that I could take some of that away from you, Doctor. But I know I can't. I wasn't there, I didn't see it all. Those experiences don't belong to me."

"I wouldn't wish them on you," the Doctor told him with a sigh. "You're right, Ianto -- past events do haunt me. Most of them I can push away -- but I don't think that the guilt of being the one to destroy my home and my own people is ever going to leave."

"It's not fair," Ianto said, a wave of anger sweeping over him. "You've done so much good for the world, and you truly care what happens to people. You shouldn't have to live with that kind of guilt. And you shouldn't have had to make that kind of a decision about your planet."

"No one said life was going to be fair, Ianto," the Doctor pointed out. "And if I wasn't haunted by that, it would more than likely be something else. It's the nature of being a Time Lord, I suppose. Only I'm not supposed to let it get to me. I'm supposed to keep my emotions hidden."

"If you did that, then you wouldn't be the man I fell in love with," Ianto said quietly. "I love you exactly the way you are, Doctor -- emotions and all. If you didn't show your emotions so readily, then you wouldn't be the same man. You'd be like -- a mannequin."

"It's because of you that those emotions are able to come out," the Time Lord told him, lifting his head from the young man's shoulder and giving hm a wan smile. "My people would say that I'm wrong to let them show -- but I'm glad you've pulled them out front and center."

"So am I," Ianto said softly, raising a hand to caress the strong line of the other man's jaw. He couldn't tear his gaze away from those beautiful dark eyes -- those eyes that were so haunted, that had seen so much of the world and still found wonder in it.

If he himself could be like that, not letting everything that he saw get to him, able to mix his emotional side with his practical one -- then he would be more like the man he loved than he'd ever thought he could. It was a goal for him to strive towards.

This man was extraordinary, he told himself as he leaned forward to brush his lips across the Doctor's. In spite of all that haunted him, he still moved ahead, finding beauty and wonder in a world that he could so easily have turned his back on long ago.

His arms tightened around the Time Lord as their kiss intensified, the worries of a few moments ago falling away. All that haunted them both was forgotten in the glorious rush of emotion that swept over them, pushing the rest of the world away and losing themselves in each other.

***