Title: To Live
By: _usakeh_
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Gwen/Tosh
Rating: NC-17
Author’s Note: This was written for grinninfoole's birthday. Happy birthday, grinninfoole! It was beta read by the wonderful millari.

Toshiko Sato sighed and buried her face in her hands. She’d been staring at the hub’s computer screen for far too long. Still, she didn’t want to tear herself away from it. She knew that the thoughts that would overtake her the moment she stopped focusing on tracking the Rift’s latest activity. She knew that they would be overwhelming.

“Tosh?” A familiar voice broke through the stillness. “What are you still doing here?”

“I could ask the same of you,” Tosh responded, swiveling around on her chair.

“I was just finishing up a few things,” Gwen replied. She stared into Tosh’s eyes; she couldn’t help but notice the dark shadows beneath them. They’d appeared after Mary’s death and had grown deeper with each passing day. “You look exhausted, Tosh,” Gwen added. “You should really go home and get some rest.”

“I would if I could.” Tosh sighed. “I’ve been having a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately.” It was almost as if the words had sprung from her out of their own volition.

“Have you tried a glass of hot milk?” Gwen suggested, stepping closer. “Sometimes that helps me get to sleep.”

“I’ve tried it all.” Tosh folded her arms across her chest. “Thanks, though. I…I really appreciate your concern.” Tosh moved back from the screen and yawned. Maybe she was tired enough to head home. But she preferred not to risk it. She couldn’t afford to spend more time tossing and turning while half-wishing that Mary had taken her along with her, right into the center of the sun.

“Tosh?” Gwen’s voice pulled Tosh out of her reverie. “Tosh? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I’m just a little tired.” Tosh heard her voice spread out into the room; once more, the words kept pouring forth. “How did you feel when you first found out that aliens were real, Gwen? Were you scared? Relieved?”

“At first?” Gwen ran a hand through her dark hair. “I couldn’t believe it. But I’ve gotten used to it, I guess.”

“I was relieved.” Tosh took a deep breath. “It meant that we weren’t alone in the universe. I used to think about how horrible it was that we were all by ourselves. So I…I find their presence comforting.”

“That’s one way to look at it.”

“Sorry,” Tosh said. “Does that sound strange?”

“A little.” Gwen sighed. “But I understand what you mean.”

“I just…do you believe in God, Gwen?” Before Gwen had a chance to answer, Tosh continued, “I don’t, and, well, sometimes it all feels so futile. Life here on Earth is a result of a series of mutations; we’re here by accident.” Tosh rubbed her forehead; she could feel the beginnings of a headache developing there. “Our lives have no intrinsic value,” she concluded. “None whatsoever. And nothing changes that. Not even aliens.”

“That's where you’re wrong, Tosh.” Gwen stepped so close that Tosh could smell her fresh, clean scent. It reminded Tosh of the way laundry smelled when it just came out of the dryer. She loved it. “I don’t believe in God either, but I think that our lives have value. I think that they have meaning.”

“What is it, then?”

“I think the meaning of life is just to live, Tosh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tosh asked. Her headache was worsening, and Gwen’s cryptic answer annoyed her.

“It doesn’t matter why we’re here. The point is: we’re here. And that means something in and of itself, don’t you think?”

“No, it…I don’t know. I just don’t know. I guess that’s just not enough of a reason to satisfy me.” Tosh took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m being difficult, aren’t I?”

“A little,” Gwen replied, a sliver of a smile spreading across her face. “But it’s good to see that you’ve got feelings like the rest of us.”

“Why’s that?” Tosh said sharply. She hadn’t meant it to sound so angry; it had just happened on its own. Tosh pressed her hands together. Everything was spiraling out of her control, and she hated herself for it. Nevertheless, after a pause, she asked, “Do I seem like some sort of robot to you?”

“Don’t be silly, Tosh,” Gwen responded immediately. “Of course you don’t seem like a robot! You’re just…you’re very put together, you know?”

“I…” Tosh’s voice trailed off; suddenly, she was finding it increasingly difficult to string full sentences together. There was something about Gwen’s vitality that was giving her life, too, but couldn’t even understand it, never mind explain it to Gwen herself. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I’m just tired.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for!” Gwen replied instantly. “Really, Tosh,” she added. “It’s okay.”

“I just…” Tosh gazed at Gwen. Somewhere inside her, she felt the stirrings of a strange feeling. Could it be desire? Tosh tried to quash the thought. Still, she whispered, “You know, you look gorgeous tonight, Gwen.”

“Oh, thanks,” Gwen responded. The compliment made the girl positively glow. Tosh felt herself grow wet; now there was no denying it. She did want Gwen Cooper, every bit as much as she’d wanted Mary. “You’re gorgeous too,” Gwen added. “I don’t think you realize it, but you are.”

“Really? You really think so?” Tosh felt her cheeks grow warm. She took a step towards Gwen, and then – before she could even process what she was doing – pulled the other girl into a kiss. Gwen’s lips were soft as they brushed up against hers, and she smelled and tasted of cinnamon. Tosh loved the feel of Gwen’s skin against her own so much it took her a few seconds before she jerked away, horrified by what she’d done. In a thin, nervous tone, she said, “Oh no. Oh no,” she repeated. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry, Gwen. It was completely inappropriate.”

“Stop apologizing,” Gwen said. “It could happen to anybody.”

“Anybody? What do you mean by that? And that doesn’t mean it’s not wrong. God. I really am so sorry. I–”

“Stop,” Gwen interjected. “Toshiko, it’s okay. I–”

“Not, it’s not okay!” Tosh exclaimed. “It’s–”

“I liked it,” Gwen interrupted. Before Tosh could protest further, she rushed forward, pushed Tosh back against the wall and kissed her once and then again. Gwen’s tongue was in Tosh’s mouth and her arms were wrapped around Tosh’s neck. Tosh knew, intellectually, that shagging her coworker was a very poor idea. But Gwen didn’t seem to want to stop, and neither did she. When Gwen pulled out of the second kiss, she whispered, “Has anybody else ever told you that you are an amazing kisser?”

“N-no, I don’t think so.”

“Well,” Gwen continued, “now somebody has.” Gwen pulled away slightly; for a second, Tosh believed that their tryst was going to be over before it had even begun. But then Gwen pulled her close once more and slid a hand beneath her shirt. “You’re a beautiful woman,” Gwen added, rubbing slow circles around Tosh’s erect nipples, “with the most beautiful breasts.”

“Thanks,” Tosh said awkwardly. She was going to add something to the effect of “so are you,” but she couldn’t manage to string the words together, not with Gwen Cooper massaging her, stroking her into arousal. When Gwen’s hand reached her nipples, she gasped. Shivers ran through her body; she felt ready to have Gwen’s hands brushing up against her bare skin and Gwen’s fingers inside her. So long as Gwen touched her, she felt wonderfully – defiantly, daringly – alive.

“Can I touch you, Tosh?” Gwen’s words hung in the air for a few seconds; her hand hovered next to Tosh’s waist.

“Yes,” Tosh said, finally finding her voice. She needed Gwen so desperately she wouldn’t have known what to do with herself had Gwen not gone further. She felt like tucking each moment away somewhere deep inside. Tosh watched Gwen as she unbuttoned her pants, drinking in the look in Gwen’s eyes. It had been so long since anybody had desired her that she’d forgotten how wonderful it felt. “Please,” Tosh added as Gwen drew closer, “please do it.”

“I will.” Gwen smiled mischievously at her; then she thrust one hand beneath Tosh’s jeans. Her other hand trailed upwards until it found Tosh’s nipples again, and Gwen began moving both of her hands in concert, each coming closer and closer to its target.

“Oh,” Tosh gasped as Gwen’s hand parted her lips and began approaching her clit. Her muscles grew taut; she arched her back against the wall. “More,” she whispered, beginning to move in rhythm with Gwen’s ministrations. Gwen pressed down harder, eliciting another gasp. Tosh felt the wave preparing to pulse through her; every circle Gwen’s finger made around her clit brought her closer still. Tosh bit down on her lower lip. She was ready, so ready it hurt, so when Gwen pulled at one of her nipples and simultaneously rubbed her finger against her clit, pleasure rushed through every inch of her body as she finally came.

“Did you like that?” Gwen’s smile was radiant.

“Yes.” Tosh sighed. “That was wonderful.” Tosh’s face was flushed; her eyes were glimmering. “Thank you,” she added.

“You’re very cute when you say thank you,” Gwen responded, pulling Tosh into a kiss. This time Tosh’s tongue tentatively entered Gwen’s mouth. When they pulled away from each other, Gwen teased, “Getting bolder, are we now?”

“I’d like to think so, yes,” Tosh replied. She placed her hands above Gwen’s breasts. “May I?”

“So naughty!” Gwen exclaimed. Her smile broadened; then she took hold of Tosh’s hands and pressed them down against her breasts. “Come on now,” she said, grinning.

“All right,” Tosh said. With surprising rapidity, she pulled Gwen’s shirt off and unbuckled her bra. She began by stroking her breasts – her skin was so soft, so smooth – and then moved forward and licked Gwen’s nipples. Then Tosh moved one hand towards Gwen’s jeans; there, she paused, hesitating.

“Go on,” Gwen encouraged. Tosh’s gaze met Gwen’s. Her eyes drew Tosh in, and then – before she knew it – her fingers were feeling their way towards Gwen’s clit. When she found it, she felt Gwen’s back arch in response. She pressed down harder, eliciting a gasp. Another gasp soon followed the first; before long Gwen was moving in rhythm with Tosh’s ministrations. Tosh moved her other hand up to Gwen’s nipples and started stroking them; then, just as she thrust a finger up inside Gwen, she plucked at them. Gwen’s body responded, immediately becoming a taut wire; then, when Tosh pushed a second finger in along with the first, she gasped and, with a shiver, came. “God, Tosh,” Gwen breathed, “you are very, very good at that.”

“I am?” Tosh’s eyes widened.

“I’d say so.”

“Thanks,” Tosh said, blushing. She still couldn’t quite believe that it had all happened; she could never have been that bold, could she? And yet it had. Tosh took a deep breath. Gwen had said that the purpose of life was just to live. Maybe, just maybe, Gwen had that right after all.