Title: Living With The Memories
Author: emeraldsage85
Pairing: gen
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: I don't particularly care for the ending but it seems like I have acquired writer's block on this one. I wanted to change it to something else but just couldn't seem to get it perfect.
Disclaimer: I don't make any money from this. Torchwood belongs to RTD and the BBC.
Summary: Set during Cyberwoman. Ianto figures out why Jack doesn't punish him.

***

After the demise of the cyberwoman Jack and the team had begun clean up. Ianto sat off to the side, numbly watching. The death count totaled three: one cyberwoman, one innocent pizza delivery girl, and one not-so innocent cybernetics doctor.

When the three bodies had been safely ensconced in the morgue Jack turned to the others and said, "You can go home now."

To Ianto he said, "My office. Now."

The others packed up and left, sparing sympathetic glances at Ianto. Ianto did as he was told without looking at any of them. Jack followed him up the stairs to his office.

"Sit down," he said.

Ianto took the seat in front of Jack's desk and stared silently at the floor. Jack rustled around in his desk and fished out some paper and a pen. He shoved them at Ianto.

"Write a statement," Jack said tersely.

For a moment it looked like Ianto wasn't going to comply, but then he picked up the pen. While he wrote Jack sat watching him, an angry expression frozen on his face. When Ianto had finished Jack filed the statement into the mess on his desk to read later.

"Do you know what the penalty is for an incident like this?" Jack asked.

"At Torchwood One it was summary execution," Ianto said blandly.

He still wouldn't look Jack in the eye.

"Fortunately for you this isn't Torchwood One, so I'm not going to execute you," Jack said.

"Retcon then sir?" Ianto asked.

Jack shook his head.

"Not this time. Go home."

Ianto looked up, finally meeting Jack's eyes for the first time.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because death or Retcon would be a reprieve. Living with the memories isn't. Now go home. I'll expect you back at work tomorrow," Jack said.

Ianto gathered his things and left, still feeling puzzled by the exchange. Later, however, he would come to decide that Jack had been right. The pain was so constant it never left him. Every second of every day was filled with it.

Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt.

Ianto came to wonder just how Jack knew he would feel like this. Perhaps it was experience, he thought.

***