Title: Loneliness Game
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 4 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 6, Lonely
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

***

"You know, I was just as lonely as you were when we weren't together," Jack told the Doctor, leaning back in his chair and picking up his coffee mug. "I might have been working with Torchwood, but there was a part of me that never found peace."

The Doctor shook his head, a small smile quirking the corners of his lips. "Don't give me that line, Jack," he chided the other man, shaking his head. "I don't believe for a moment that you were lonely. You had a lot of lovers during that time, I'm sure."

Jack shook his head, looking serious. "Do you honestly think that having a lot of lovers who don't mean much of anything can make up for walking from the one person you really love?" he asked, his voice soft as his gaze fixed on the Time Lord.

The Doctor didn't answer him for several long moments, then he sighed and shook his head. "No, I don't," he murmured, looking down and breaking their eye contact. "But you're not the one who was left behind. I didn't walk out on you."

Now it was Jack's turn to look down; he stared into the swirling liquid in the mug, as though he was seeing something there that absorbed all of his attention. "I'm sorry about that," he said quietly, not looking up. "That was the worst mistake I ever made."

"The worst?" The Doctor looked over at him, raising one eyebrow. "I doubt you really mean that, Jack. You've made mistakes that were worse than walking out on someone, I'm sure. At the time, you didn't have any problem with leaving me in your past."

"But I did!" Jack burst out, his tone almost angry. "Do you think it was easy for me to do that? I knew how lonely you'd be, and it almost killed me to know what you'd think of me after I left. But I couldn't stay. Not then. We've been over this."

The Doctor nodded, the movement slow, reluctant. "Yes, we've talked it over. And I've forgiven you, Jack. I understand your reasons for leaving. I do. But that doesn't mean that I agree with them -- or that I can suddenly stop feeling that you betrayed me."

"I understand that," Jack said, his voice soft, almost soothing. "But you've got to understand that I was lonely, too. Maybe that's why I had lovers during the time I was away from you. Not because I was in love with them -- but just to relieve the loneliness."

"You can't tell me that you didn't care about any of them," the Doctor said, casting Jack a reproachful glance. "What about Ianto? He was important to you, wasn't he? And he's a nice young man. I'd hate to think that you broke his heart."

"I probably did," Jack sighed, a look of regret on his face. "Yeah, I cared about Ianto. A lot. But I was never in love with him -- not the way that I am with you. And he knew it. I never said it in so many words, but I think he could tell."

"I'm sure he could," the Doctor murmured. "Ianto is much more perceptive than you ever gave him credit for when you were working with him -- and when you were together. I hope he recovered from what you might have made him feel."

"He did," Jack said, a look of relief passing over his features. "He's dating somebody new. Interestingly enough, a guy. I was the first man he was ever with, but I think I opened up a part of him that he'd never acknowledged before. He seems a lot more comfortable with himself now."

"That's good to know," the Doctor said, leaning back in his chair and wrapping long, thin fingers around his coffee mug. "At least he isn't sitting around pining for you, nursing a broken heart. You have a way of leaving people lonely, Jack."

"And we're back to that." Jack heaved a sigh before he raised the mug to his lips, finishing off his coffee in a few gulps and carefully sitting the mug down on the table. "Like I said, I was lonely too. I had lovers, but they didn't fill the empty space you left."

"I didn't leave," the Doctor told him, his voice expressionless. "That was your prerogative. I'm the one who was left." He raised his head, his dark eyes meeting Jack's gaze. "We can play the loneliness game over and over. It doesn't solve anything."

"It's not a question of us one-upping each other with how lonely we were," Jack sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes. "It's hard for you to forgive me. Yeah, you can say you have -- but there's still that part of you that's waiting for me to walk away again."

"You're right," the Doctor admitted, looking down into his coffee mug. "I've forgiven you, Jack. Really. I can even understand why you felt that you needed to go at that time. But I can't help feeling that history is going to repeat itself, that you'll get bored with me and leave again."

"Doctor ...." Before the Time Lord realized what he was doing, Jack had moved to the floor; the immortal was kneeling in front of the Doctor's chair, taking the Gallifreyan's hand in his own and looking up at him with a pleading expression.

"I made the biggest mistake of my life when I left you. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us," he whispered, his voice cracking on the last few words. "I thought you'd be better off without me -- and that I needed to get over you."

"I tried to get over you," the Doctor whispered, his gaze focused on their clasped hands. "I went to the ends of the galaxy and tried my best to forget about you. But I couldn't. I kept coming back to Earth -- even though I didn't have the courage to go to you."

"If you had, then we might not have wasted so much time away from each other," Jack told him, raising his hands to take the Doctor's face between his palms and gaze into the Time Lord's dark eyes. "But I don't blame you for that. I understand how you felt."

"I'm not playing a loneliness game, Jack," the Doctor said, his voice breaking. "I'm not trying to make a point about which of us had the harder time. I just want you to understand that even though I've forgiven you, it's going to take some time to build up that trust again."

"I do understand," Jack said softly, leaning forward until his lips were almost touching the other man's. "I don't blame you for that, Doctor. I know it takes time for trust to grow. I just hope that yours will. And that you're willing to give it as much time as it takes."

"It will," the Doctor told him, finally managing a smile. "My trust was never completely destroyed. But being that lonely for such a long time has made me much less quick to trust. I hope you're willing to give that trust time to grow again."

"I'll give you all the time you need," Jack told him, brushing his lips against the softness of the Time Lord's mouth. Desire coursed through them both, banishing the loneliness they'd both felt for so long to some faraway place as they lost themselves in a world of their own making.

***