Title: Forever Isn't Long Enough
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG
Table: 3
Prompt: 21, Forever
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

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My dearest Ianto,

I never know how to begin letters. I've never been one to need them, you see. Every person in my life has been fleeting, in the span of years that I've lived. Letters have always seemed to me to be a waste of time, when I could more easily tell the person what I want to say. I've never been good at articulating my feelings into written words.

But when I'm away from you, I feel that I have to write, to keep those feelings in the forefront of my mind. They're bittersweet, those emotions. Sweet, because those feelings are what keeps me alive through every day of my life. And at the same time, bitter for knowing that I can't keep you by my side for all the rest of my existence.

The love I have for you is what keeps me going through every day, looking ahead to the time when I'll be back with you, waking every morning next to you and falling asleep in your arms. I die a little inside each day that I wake alone, knowing in my hearts that there is always the possibility that I won't manage to make it back to you.

I've promised you forever so many times, Ianto. Forever, for me, is very different to what it is for someone of human years. My forever can stretch on into an infinite eternity -- a time span that I know you don't have. Forever takes on a completely different meaning when I think of you, and the fact that I know I will only have you for a finite time.

If there was something I could do to change that, I would. If only there was some way that I could take some of my own life span and give it to you, then I would gladly lay those years, those decades, those centuries, at your feet. I would do anything to keep you with me. To make that dream of forever a reality for the two of us.

I can't spend what precious time we have dreaming of "if onlys." I've always known, from the moment I laid eyes on you, that our forever would be a limited one. It's almost as though I can feel those sands of time slipping through an hourglass -- each grain taking you away from me, counting down to a tomorrow that I don't want to walk into.

I know what I will do when I lose you. I can't continue to exist in a world where I'm bereft of you. I can't make any promises about not ending my existence, Ianto. I know that isn't something you want to hear, but I'm not prepared to go on without the other half of my soul. I did that for long enough before I found you.

That sounds terribly weak of me, doesn't it? Weak and small and shameful. But I know you'll understand -- because I don't think your heart could go on alone, either. Joining you in death may be a very outmoded, romantic notion, but that would be my only option. Without you, I would be an empty shell of what I am now, and no good to myself or to anyone else.

Forever, Ianto. I can't promise you that, my love. But I can promise you my hearts, myself, and everything that I am. Even when our corporeal bodies have long disappeared, I know that my soul will be drawn to yours. I know that there is no way I can ever be truly parted from you. You're too much a part of me, too much entwined into the very fabric of my being.

I've never attempted to promise those things to anyone before. Until you, they've always been promises that I knew I couldn't keep. I've never wanted to promise forever to anyone else -- though they might have expected it from me. You've changed everything in my life, Ianto. Changed it -- and changed me -- for the better, in every way.

I can only hope that my advent in your life has brought about the same sorts of changes, has made you cherish life much more than you previously had. You've given me everything to live for, my beloved, where before, I felt as if I had very little. You've made all the difference to me, made my existence something beautiful and prized.

Will you ever see this letter? I don't know. I may not have the courage to leave it somewhere that you can find it once I return to Cardiff. I'm afraid of what you may think, of my words causing a rift, a distance, to spring up between us. I'm afraid of losing you, my darling. Losing you long before I've even had a chance to savor everything that we have to the fullest.

I won't let myself think like that. We still have so much time together, my dearest. I'm making my way back to you even as this pen races across paper. I'll be with you in only a few hours.

Tonight, I'll sleep in your arms, and wake by your side tomorrow. And for as many tomorrows after that as we're granted. I won't wish for forever, Ianto. Even forever couldn't be long enough for my hearts to beat in time with yours. But if we're very, very lucky, our forever won't fade away for a long time to come.

Your

Beloved

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