Title: Make Me Happy
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: 30_forbidden
Prompt: 22, Happy
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

***

When was the last time he'd been truly happy?

He really couldn't remember, the Doctor thought, shoving his hands into the pockets of his trenchcoat. In some ways, he was happy now, but it was a tenuous happiness at best. He was always waiting for it to dissipate, to vanish from view.

He knew all too well how happiness could evaporate into thin air in front of his eyes. It had happened too many times before, so many times that he'd told himself over and over he would give up on trying to be happy. He obviously wasn't meant to be -- even though he was happy now.

But this tenuous, gossamer web of happiness he'd built with Jack seemed to be steady, at least for now. He had no doubt that in the future, it would all fall apart, the happiness he knew at the moment becoming a distant memory.

It was always that way with any temporary happiness he might find for himself, he thought with a sigh. Things would seem to go well for a while, and then they'd take a turn for the worse, disappearing into a slew of despondency. That was the path his life always took.

Was Jack happy with him? That was a question he didn't really want to ask; he was too afraid of what the answer might be.

It was impossible to tell what Jack thought about anything. The other man kept his deepest feelings to himself; that was an impenetrable wall that the Doctor had been unable to break through, and he'd given up trying to do so.

That barrier between himself and the man he loved made him uneasy; it was disturbing to think that the person he gave his complete trust to, the man he trusted to hold his hearts and keep them safe, kept secrets from him that he would never have the key to.

There was something in Jack that pushed happiness away; it was as though the immortal was still castigating himself for events that had happened far in his past, things that were beyond his control. But that was yet another subject the Doctor knew better than to ask about.

Most people had spaces in their personalities; they filled those spaces with chatter, with small and inconsequential things about themselves that told others who they were, at least on the outside. Those gaps were neatly filled, personality traits lined up in a row.

With Jack, those spaces weren't filled. They were left there, gaping holes for all to see, for people to fill in with whatever they might want to be there.

That might be enough for other people, those who drifted in and out of Jack's life and were forgotten as quickly as their acquaintance had been made. But for the Doctor, it wasn't nearly enough. He wanted to fill in those spaces, not with his own conjectures, but with the truth.

That was the only way he would be truly happy in this relationship, he told himself, kicking a pebble and watching it bounce along the concrete of the street. He didn't just want a part of Jack, the part that the immortal allowed him and the rest of the world to see.

He wanted all of the other man, just as he'd given Jack all of himself. He wasn't going to sit back and be content knowing that he only had part of the puzzle solved and put together so that all the pieces interlocked with each other.

No, he needed to have the whole picture in front of him, the complete man, not just glimpses here and there of what Jack might want him to see. He'd never be happy with only pieces of this man in his life and in his heart; he needed to have the entire person in front of him.

But getting Jack to reveal his inner self wasn't going to be easy. He'd already tried to draw the immortal out in every way he could think of, and failed every time.

This probably wasn't the best place for him to bring up the question, anyway -- not in a park on Earth when there were a lot of people around. It was something he'd have to wait for another time to ask Jack, the matter of whether he was happy or not.

The Doctor jumped as a pair of strong arms slid around his waist from behind; after the initial shock, he knew who it was, but it was still disconcerted to be embraced when he wasn't expecting it. He should be used to Jack surprising him like this by now.

He hadn't even realized that the immortal was so close behind him; he'd thought that the other man had gone off on his own somewhere, which was why he'd told the Doctor that they'd meet in the park. Had he changed his mind, or just gotten here earlier than expected?

"You've had a really serious look on your face the whole time you've been walking around here," Jack told him, his arms tightening around the Doctor's waist. "You've almost been scowling, actually. What's on your mind that could be making you look like that?"

"You've been watching me?" the Doctor asked, trying to deflect Jack's question. He wasn't sure just how to answer it, and he didn't want to go into a long explanation of why he felt troubled.

"I've been following you," Jack corrected him with a smile. "I decided that since we're not doing anything important, I'd rather spend my time with you than go off looking for somebody I might not find anyway. You're a lot more important to me."

"That's good to know," the Doctor murmured, feeling at a loss for words. Jack certainly seemed happy, but he knew better than most people that looks could be deceiving. This good mood could turn into something completely different in the blink of an eye.

"Doctor, what's wrong?" Jack asked him, his voice soft and husky in the Doctor's ear. "And don't try to tell me there's nothing bothering you. I know you better than that. I haven't been with you this long for nothing, y'know."

"Jack, are you happy?" He'd blurted out the question before he'd meant to ask it; it was too soon, this wasn't the right time, but the words were out now, and he couldn't take them back. For better or worse, he'd know the answer within a few moments.

"Happy?" Jack seemed to be turning the question over in his mind; the Doctor held his breath, waiting for the answer, feeling his hearts speed up in his chest.

"I've always thought I wasn't allowed to be happy," Jack said softly, resting his chin on the Time Lord's shoulder. "Happiness isn't something I've looked for, because I've always felt like I'd be disappointed if I expected it and then didn't get it."

"So you're not happy with me," the Doctor whispered, fighting the absurd urge to burst into tears. This was what he'd expected, wasn't it? He'd known all along that Jack wasn't the kind of man to be happy with only one person. He'd been stupid to hope that he'd hear any differently.

"Why would you think that?" Jack's voice in his ear was husky, filled with emotion. "I've always thought I wasn't supposed to be happy -- but you've proved me wrong about that. You make me happy, Doc -- a lot happier than I ever dreamed I could be."

The Doctor couldn't answer Jack's words; a lump had formed in his throat, too large to speak around. All he could do was turn around in Jack's arms, sliding his own thin arms around the other man's waist and resting his head against Jack's shoulder, never wanting this man to let him go.

Maybe happiness was something that was forbidden to him, but he was going to hold on to it for as long as he could, he told himself, raising his face to Jack's to find that his lover was gazing at him, a small smile on his lips, a look in his eyes that the Doctor knew all too well.

That look was enough to make him a very happy man.

***