Previous part of The Ragnarok Cycle.

***

I awake slowly, trying to remember my dream, god... it felt so real. Ianto in leather pants and Doc's, making me hold my legs in the air with my belt, damn that was hot, felt so real though.

Finally stretching out, the hard, cold floor beneath me, I realise it was no dream, Ianto lies behind me, his morning hard-on still balls deep inside me. God, I could stay like this forever. Grinding my arse back into him, I feel the delicious burn from last night's activities still deep within me. That boy knows how to fuck.

Reaching my arm around, I pull us closer together so his chest is hard against my back, I love the feel of him behind me... well to be honest, I love the feel of him anywhere on me, but this is good.

Safe, it is not a word I am used to using, especially in conjunction with me, but it's true. I feel safe with Ianto, he protects me from what he can and he comforts me when he can't. I know he will try save me from myself, there is so much about me he still doesn't know, I doubt I'll ever be able to tell him everything, but he doesn't care, he still protects me regardless.

Trust, another word that is foreign to me at least in the application of it anyway. I find this one a hard sell at the best of times and yet in comes Ianto and gently coerces me into trusting him. At first it was purely professionally, I know Ianto will do whatever is asked of him, whenever and he knows that we trust him to do that. Learning to trust Ianto with my body was easy enough, from that first time he stormed over to me with his 'going to do you good' face, yes... that was easy enough.

Our fight the other day proved just how insecure we both are though, me trusting him with this lump of flesh I call a heart and him desperately craving acceptance, but in all honesty we are the same, too scared to go forward... too proud to go back.

Feather light kisses along my shoulder pull me from my introspection and back into the real world with jarring alacrity as I arch my neck back in response, slowly undulating in time to his gentle thrusts inside me. No words are spoken or needed as his hand snakes its way down my chest to my cock stroking me gently in time with his thrusts. Long, languid, leisurely strokes, each designed to drive me slowly out of my mind. His gentleness is starkly contrasted by the previous evening's roughness, Ianto Jones... The Walking Dichotomy.

I can feel the tightness in my balls and can feel the unfurling warmth spread from my groin. Like a kundilini spiral I feel my release flow effortlessly through me until finally my entire body erupts. My heart trips over and my minds voice matches it's rhythm 'I love you, love you, love you.'

Wrapping his arms around me, Ianto never changes his tempo, slow thrust going deep within me only to withdraw just as slowly to the tip and repeat. My body is pure sensation as each glide caresses my prostate going in and coming out. There is no driving need like last night, nothing but pure acceptance as my body welcomes him in with each touch and movement, and there are no barriers now, nothing to hide behind.

My every thought is clearly etched on my face as each of his answering thoughts is etched onto his. Our eyes say everything to each other 'let me trust you?', 'let me love you?'... 'protect me?', 'accept me?'... 'Ianto', 'Jack'. With each question asked it is answered in kind. Each thrust into me, each touch of his hand on me tells me he is there for me, to protect me, to love me.

With every thrust, my heart grows less cold, with every touch my fears lessen as the past slowly breaks free from the prison I kept them in. With a lone tear caressing my cheek, I bid goodbye to the past and finally let it go.

At that unseen signal, Ianto stills and I feel his release enter me, filling the void that my past once resided in. Pulling gently out of me, Ianto rolls me to my other side and I see the trace of a single tear on his cheek... the remnants of his past.

Pulling his head down to mine, I place a genteel kiss upon his lips. Still not one word spoken, but so much has been said.

The goofy grin upon Ianto's face tells me we'll be alright and with that I feel our boundaries shift back to our working persona's once more.

Breakfast is a hurried affair as we shove down some cereal and a quick cup of coffee in our rush to get back to the Hub before everyone else gets in. That's not to say that we forgot the other in our haste, where ever we were, Ianto would just reach out and touch me and in the car kept his hand on my legs possessively. Finally there I turn to him and ask "Ready?"

"Ready," was Ianto's soft reply.

Looking down at my leg, Ianto's hand still there, "Umm, Ianto... are you planning on letting go of my leg at all in the next few minutes. Or should we just wait out here for the others to arrive and watch you claim me for all and sundry to see?"

This galvanised Ianto into action as he snatched his hand back and got out of the car with astonishing speed.

"Jack, you'll know when I claim you publicly and believe me, so will everyone else in the general vicinity." Ianto chuckled as an involuntary shiver makes its way down my spine, part fear, part anticipation. God, I'm such a slut, I've had the daylight fucked out of me last night and then this morning the most gentle loving that I still don't know whether I'm coming or going... umm probably a bad choice of term there, but if the cap fits...

"Fine, let's get going then, we do still have a job to do." Ianto tells me, still looking rather smug.

Entering the Hub we see that for once Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Even Dumber are already in, taking verbal pot shots at each other, unfortunately we don't escape unscathed as the vitriol gets thrown in our direction.

"Oi, just where the hell have you two been, eh?"

Ianto just rolls his eyes at the typical Owen remark.

"Jackie boy here been giving you the what for, or should that be The Old College Try?"

Sometimes I think Owen would look good with a muzzle and remind myself to check that fetish store for one in his size as Ianto's shoulders stiffen and his posture becomes even more erect.

"Owen, if all you can say is in hyperbole, innuendo or bad clichés, then I would advise you to speak to others of your acquaintance who are more on your wave length, I am sure most of the 'ladies' you know could probably teach you a thing or two, if they haven't already."

Damn, now I'm holding my breath, he's pretty much just called Gwen and Diane whores with that little sentence and watching the impact on Owen's face is not as amusing as I would have thought, there's murder in his eyes and he's the one with the scalpels.

"Why you little good for nothing fuck, I ought to rip you a new one, but then I'm sure Jack would go me for hurting his little fuck toy, tell me Ianto, what's it like getting it up the arse from your boss?"

Right that does it, I know this is only going to prove Owen right, at least in his eyes, but I have to head this off.

"Owen, shut your fucking mouth and get your arse into my office before I start playing target practice with your head."

Turning to face Gwen who's doing a passable goldfish impersonation, I yell at her "Don't you have something to do Gwen or perhaps you would like a choc ice and popcorn and maybe a comfy chair so you can watch the rest of this little soap opera unfold?"

Turning her eyes to me I can see I have hurt her, but I couldn't help it. What those two do out of hours is their business, so why can't they give us the same courtesy?

Looking over to Ianto I can tell he's upset, his blank mask is in place, but his eyes are pure murder and they are directed solely at me. Damn, I couldn't just let Owen speak like that, Ianto and I aside, I am still the leader here and it is my place to discipline them as I see fit.

I know Ianto can and does look after himself, but at the moment he's not thinking too clearly, he still can't separate us from work, but I think I am in the dog house over this one for quite some time to come.

Watching Ianto head over to his desk I follow meekly behind, "Ianto, I'm sorry, but you have to see it from a work perspective, I..."

"What do you mean from a work perspective Jack, all I saw there was my supposed partner not trusting me enough to handle things on my own, you just had to do it your way." Ianto snarls out, "You have to learn to trust me to know what I am doing."

"Please Ianto, I know you can look after yourself, but there are some things that as a boss I am supposed to handle and discipline is one of them. I am sorry, but I would do the same again in a heartbeat."

Watching Ianto process this I know he understands why, but the sting of Owen's words cut him deeply this time. Moving around to where he is seated, I crouch down and pull him into my arms he resists me for a second, but finally he gives in and allows me to hold him to my chest.

"I do trust you Ianto, more than you could possibly imagine, but you have to believe that I do trust you, it works both ways you know." I can't help it, times like this he seems more like a lost child than a fully grown adult and it is up to me to protect him however I can.

Looking up at me, I see he understands what I am saying as his breathing becomes more measured and his shoulders drop their rigidity.

"I know you're right Jack, but it can be so hard sometimes, especially with Owen, he can be such a bastard sometimes."

"I know, but still, we have to work with Owen and what you said to him also cut deeply, but anyway, we can discuss this later we still have enough to do today as it is."

Before I know it, Ianto has locked his lips to mine with a fierceness that at least equals last nights. His arms are tight around my neck as he forces my mouth open and plunders it with his tongue. We are so totally lost in the kiss we don't even see Tosh enter, so lost we don't even hear her gasp of surprise, the only time we knew someone was there was when her laptop crashed to the floor.

Pulling apart quickly, we look to see who dropped it. Tosh's face is a sight to behold, complete shock, with a side order of titillation. We couldn't help it as we both burst out in laughter. Ianto recovered just enough to apologise to Tosh.

"Tosh, s. sssorry you had ttto see ttthat." He stuttered out, "cccome over here and we'll tttry explain."

I managed to get control of my self long enough to bend over and pick up Tosh's laptop from the floor, so complete was her shock that she hadn't even gone to pick it up, considering the laptop was a close to Tosh as a First Born child, said a lot.

"I'll go make us some coffee Tosh and then we can talk about this." Ianto lets his dulcet tones wash over Tosh as she slowly adjusts to the fact that she did see what she thought she saw. Reaching over she takes her laptop from out of my grasp and checks it over for any damage, completely ignoring me in the process.

It is a long ten minutes until Ianto returns with the coffees, Tosh avoiding looking at me, just sitting there fiddling with her laptop, me sitting there looking everywhere but at Tosh, we were both relieved when Ianto returned, I'll tell you that.

"Do we tell here everything or just the basics for now?" Ianto whispers into my ear.

I mouth to him 'The Basics" and let him decide how and when to tell her the rest.

Ianto makes his way across to Tosh and tilts her head to meet his eyes using two fingers under her chin. Reaching down he grasps her hand in his and lifts it to his lips and gently kisses it.

"Tosh, you know what you saw don't you?" his voice is soft and soothing and I can see her relax. "Jack and I are seeing each other now, you know how I've felt about him for a while now."

I am surprised as Tosh wraps her arms around Ianto and hugs him tightly, actually they both seem closer that I thought and Tosh's next question points this out dramatically.

"What about the other... stuff?"

I grin to see her stumble over the words then have to wonder how she knew or what she knew.

"We are sorting that now Tosh," with an evil grin he turns to me and asks "but you are my bitch, aren't you Jack?"

I feel the blush bottom out somewhere around my hairline as I splutter and choke all over the place. I am saved from answering by Tosh laughing her head off and answering for me.

"I would say he is given that response Ianto, definitely your bitch." As more laughter peels out, a rich, happy laugh. Something I haven't heard from her before, it's a nice sound, carefree. That's my Ianto.

"Tosh come around for dinner on the weekend, providing work doesn't get in the way, we'll explain more then." I tell her.

Seeing the smile Ianto gave me for that, I feel on top of the world, like I have the right to invite people over to my boy friends... partner... lover's place.

Seeing Tosh off to her desk, Ianto returns to my side and whispers to me "thank you for that Jack, I will explain about Tosh and I tonight, but thank you anyway." Tilting my head to meet him the same way he did Tosh, Ianto kisses me and then mutters "You are so going to get very lucky tonight Jack, just you wait and see." And with that he strolls off to the kitchen.

Me on the other hand, I'm just going to sit here until my dick stops saluting. Going to get lucky indeed, you bet my arse I'm going to get lucky.

***

Thank Christ today is nearly over, in one corner we have Tweedles Dumb and Even Dumber, no doubt doing their best to upset Ianto again and in the other corner we have Ianto and Tosh and judging from the screaming match between Tosh, Owen and Gwen, methinks that Tosh has been brought up to speed vis a vis Owen's and Ianto's little spat.

Actually, some of those barbs were rather amusing, for example; Tosh snapping at Gwen for being nothing more than a trumped up slut with big tits, which of course led to the inevitable remark from Owen about Tosh being only interested because of the big tits, nothing else did it for her.

But you know what the real clanger was? Tosh's heartfelt declaration that if Owen didn't leave Ianto alone, she would strip him naked, tie him to the post and let Ianto fuck the bejesus out of him. I have never heard silence as absolute as that in my life, and that's saying something.

Suffice it to say, Owen and Gwen were getting the instant coffees, the rest of us were getting the deluxe mocha experience (well almost the deluxe, the real deluxe is slurping it off Ianto's body, but I'd rather not share that titbit with the group.

By four o'clock the atmosphere had an air of incoming fire to it and everyone avoided the other group like the plague, this was going to get ugly and fast.

By five o'clock everyone had settled into an icy truce until Ianto finally broke.

"Jack, I have to apologise to them, this is all my fault."

"Like hell you do Ianto, Owen started it first then it escalated from there."

"I know that Jack, but I should apologise to Gwen, she was just caught up in it all."

I hate it when he does that, whenever possible and at whatever the cost to himself, Ianto Jones will do the right thing. Watching him leave the reception and enter the kitchen I hear the coffee machine go full tilt, followed by the unmistakeable sound of squirty cream.

Ahh, realisation dawns, no verbal apology will be made, but the peace offering more than makes up for it. With a shy, hopeful smile on his face, he carries the mocha deluxe into Gwen. I wait for the sound of a hand strike, but nothing can be heard for a few minutes until Gwen's distinctive laugh carries out to the ethers.

I have to shake my head wryly, don't know how he does it, but he's averted yet another crisis again... well almost.

"What are you doing in here you little faggot." Oops, Owen's still pissed.

"Owen, I thought it would be obvious, even to someone like you." Fuck, now Ianto's got his hackles up.

"What's that supposed to mean freak?"

"Owen, Ianto, stop please" Gwen's plaintive voice is lost among the testosterone surge.

"What I mean you stupid British fuck, is how you managed to pull Gwen in the first place, I mean remember who does the inventory here and guess which vial was missing the last time. Go on Owen, guess." Ianto's voice is like ice, frigid and unforgiving.

"Don't know what you're talking about Ianto." That's odd, Owen is backing down, he sounds frightened, if that's at all possible.

"That's alright Owen, I know which one it is and so do you. If you ever say anything about Jack, Gwen or Tosh again, I'll make sure everyone knows what type of little insignificant insect you really are. Are we clear?" Ianto uses intonation to great effect, even I shudder at the menace implicit in his words.

"Now go to Gwen, tell her anything you want to get out of this, but remember, you hurt her and she'll find out exactly why you are so irresistible. Now go, I'm sick of looking at you." Owen is dismissed and he knows it in no uncertain terms.

I really should find out what Ianto is talking about, I have some suspicions, but I'll wait and see how Owen reacts and behaves. Looks like Ianto has managed to pull off a coup d'etat without the opposition even realising they were being dethroned.

The Ianto that walks out again is a different one to the one I heard threatening Owen, this one is dejected, hurting and desperately lonely and I ache to hold him and take away the pain is his feeling so deeply.

Ianto must have read my thoughts in my aborted attempt to reach out to him, "Hold me Jack, no questions, just hold me."

And I do, as long as he needs me. I'll hold him, because I know that he'll do the same for me when I need it.

With a deep sigh and a brief tightening of his arms, Ianto steps back slightly. His face still impassive, but the real Ianto peeks out from his eyes and I know he'll be fine, he just wanted someone to lean on for a little while. Resting my head on his shoulder, I try relax enough to let the day's stresses go. Ianto's hands gently running along my spine and his lips nuzzling my neck soon have the desired effect as I relax completely in his arms.

Our peace is soon disturbed as a malevolent looking Owen strides into the room and halts, shocked, in front of us. Raising his head to face Owen, Ianto looks hard at him then simply shakes his head and returns his attentions to my neck.

Well... if Ianto doesn't care, I certainly don't but I have to wonder what fee the piper will charge at the end of the day.

"Lets go home Jack, if I recall correctly I promised you a seeing to." I can only nod in agreement, still unsure as to how Ianto switches on and off like that.

Grabbing our coats, Ianto steps into see Tosh before we leave, I can't hear what they are talking about, but she does have a grin of her face so that is one less thing to worry about... Thank fuck for that.

Coats on one arm and Tosh on the other, Ianto strolls back in without a care in the world. Draping my coat around my shoulders he leans in and kisses me quickly on the cheek. To my surprise Tosh quickly follows suit and pecks me on the other cheek.

"Bye Jack, have a good night" Tosh manages to say that all with an impish cast to her face, I guess Ianto is telling tales out of school, but for some reason that really doesn't bother me. I suppose if he feels comfortable enough to talk to her about things, then he is serious about this... although, I really want to know what he's said, as we all know patience is not one of my more known traits.

The ride back to Ianto's is quiet, not a threatening quiet, just a peaceful trip where no words need to be spoken. Again his hand is on my leg and is absently caressing it, mindlessly marking out his territory.

Entering Ianto's place has a slight feeling of coming home to it, I don't know if I could do the permanent co-habitation thing, but just the idea of having somewhere to go and someone to go home to makes me feel more human and alive than I have in years.

Feeling Ianto's arms wrap around me from behind breaks me from my reverie, leaning my head back against his shoulder I revel in his scent, gone is the trace of aftershave from this morning and in its place something more natural, primal. A muskiness that is all Ianto yet beneath the muskiness is a slight acrid scent, the smell of fear, of loss, of heartache.

No matter the length of time that passes, Ianto still carries the wounds and scars of battle, each one helping to shape him into who is today. There are many things I know about Ianto Jones and yet there are many I don't know, probably many things I will never know. It was once said that man creates himself, and yes I'll grant you that, but the tempering and honing can only be done through adversity, otherwise there is nothing but a shell, sometimes even after this refining process, only a shell remains. This is where man really creates himself, phoenix from the ashes style.

Ianto is like that, I know a little of his childhood and even less than that about his adolescence, but I know enough to know that a boy should never have to live through that sort of tempering and if fate had not decided to remove those who hurt Ianto, I would have.

Ianto's possessiveness is a left over trait from those earlier times, his need to be loved and accepted, if you know what to look for it is evident in everything action he makes, every cup of coffee he makes is a plea for acceptance, every time he backs down from adversity is a cry of no more, please don't hurt me.

What worries me is now he is starting to fight back and ready or not, this is going to open those old wounds into bloody gaping chasms of his soul. Reliving the past he thought was dead and buried, only to have it dragged back into the light of day each time he makes a stand, because every time he makes a stand, he remembers each and every time he didn't and the pain it caused.

Do I love him? I do. Am I strong enough to help put back the pieces of his soul? I hope, although I don't know if he is strong enough yet to let me. I have finally worked out that I am partially to blame for Ianto's bouts of machismo. Every time he controls me through sex gives him more confidence to do so in his everyday life, but my poor Ianto is not ready for what the real world can throw at him, not yet anyway.

Gods help me I love him, but does he trust me enough to let me help him as he helps me?

"Jack, how many times do I have to ask you?"

Shit, I think Ianto has cottoned on to my zone out, well duh... of course he has.

"Sorry Ianto, I'm just caught up in how glad I am to be home" it's the truth, but not all of it.

Ianto's eyes soften and his lips spread in a shy smile.

"Do you really think of this as home Jack?"

His shy question masks another question altogether, I am being tested here and he knows I know it.

"Not here per se Ianto, but with you, yes... home is here with you." That at least is the honest truth

The look of sheer relief on his face lets me know I passed, I know how insecure he can be, but if simple, honest statements like that ease his mind, then I have to learn to give them to him.

And again we're back to trust, me trusting him with who I am, with all I am. I have to tell him my fears, my hopes.

I look back at Ianto and I see the ghosts of all those I have loved super imposed on his, Estelle, Jack, The Doctor, Rose. These four make my past, hopefully Ianto will make my future.

"I love you Ianto Jones." There I have said it, no extreme reaction, no glib words, just the simple truth and the acknowledgement of that simple truth lightens me and gives me strength.

The affect is instantaneous and dramatic, with his hand fisted in my hair I am dragged back to his lips and for the first time in my life... I submit totally.

"Claim me Ianto, claim me" it is all I can get out as we finally part for breath.

His snarl was closer to an animal going in for the kill as I bare my throat and he attacks.

His teeth scraping along my throat until the close just over my jugular and the pain, oh the blessed pain as he sinks his teeth deep. My cry is dragged from me as I throw my head back further, giving him total access to my neck. The sting as his teeth leaves their mark and his tongue licking at the wounds.

Forcing me backwards until I am against the hallway wall, I am trapped, I am found. He is determined to mark every part of my body as his and I want him, god I want him to. His hands scrabbling at my shirt, eager for more flesh. The pain is unbearable and the pleasure incomparable as I am divested of my shirt his teeth continue their feeding frenzy on the exposed flesh.

Incoherent sounds make their way from my ravaged throat as Ianto continues his possession of me. Wild snarls and ragged gasps are the only sounds I can make as I am stripped bare to his hunger, his need to own me unparalleled by anything in his existence.

He bites down on my hard pectorals as his fingers make their way to my arse, I arch into his bite, craving more, more sensation, more feeling, more life. Spreading my legs a little I shift my balance to keep us upright, but it does no good, his body weight topples us forwards and yet even this does nothing to halt the onslaught of his mouth and fingers.

New sensations happen as my arse is breached by his fingers, two, three. Opening me up ready for him. Plunging them deeper into I screw myself on them as if it will be the last thing I feel before I die.

"More... deeper... own me" It is all I can do to make the words intelligible to even my own ears as my moans and cries envelope the words as they are spoken. I need him, I can't continue without him.

Opening me up further I feel the exquisite burn as another finger enters my hole and stretches me painfully tight, I love it, I love him. My cock thrums in time with my heartbeat as pre-come glistens at its tip. I am unbearably hard and the constant stimulation to my prostate has me thrashing my head to escape from this mind altering pleasure/pain.

As suddenly as the onslaught started, it's stopped. Ianto sits back on his haunches watching, waiting. With deliberate slowness he removes the remnants of his shirt, followed quickly by his shoes and pants. Naked, beautifully naked before me, letting me see the kind of animal that has taken me as his mate.

The sleek stomach, lightly furred, his chest chiselled and firm, soft dark hair dusting his pecs. His cock, hard and almost purple with arousal.

Standing up, he moves over to my face, I know what he wants, I love the taste of him. Sitting down on my face I have barely enough space to breath slightly but it matters not. Plunging my tongue deep into his hole, I lose myself in his taste, his essence, his being. I barely hear his growled words to me.

"Don't come"

And with that he takes my cock in his mouth and swallows me deep down to the root. Hot, tight, wet heat envelops me as I ram my tongue even deeper into his arse, fucking him with my tongue as he eats my cock. Pulling his arse down harder on my face as he rams my cock further down his throat, I exalt in us and who we are.

Raising his torso he lets his full body weight force my tongue deeper into him, slowly bouncing on my tongue as I left him fuck himself on it. With one final grind on my face he raises himself above me, turning around he hold my eyes with his as he makes his way over to straddle my groin.

Without breaking eye contact he lowers himself onto my cock, there is only spit lubing either of us, but it makes a difference not. Slowly he impales himself on my prick, sliding down, the pain clearly showing on his face, but not stopping either way.

"You just lay there Jack, don't move. That is all you have to do." And so saying raises himself again and drops back down embedding me deep within him. His tightness is indescribable and it is almost as painful for me as it is him as he bears down once more.

Tears are in his eyes as he fucks himself on my cock, his cock is still hard as before and if anything he seems closer to blowing.

His muttering, at first indistinct begin to take on the English language and as their meaning filters through what is left of my mind the horror of his life becomes more apparent and tears spring to my eyes as I watch Ianto exorcise one of his deepest demons.

"My choice... I choose this... I choose Jack... Never again anyone but Jack... I love Jack... I hate you Da."

His face has tears streaming down it as he repeats his monotone mutterings, his voice becoming clearer and stronger as each he thrust down he makes brings him closer to the edge.

His body thrusting down has taken on a whole new meaning as his past meets his present and the battle is joined.

"I hate you Da... Jack... only Jack... Never you again Da... Jack I choose Jack... I love Jack"

His scream as he comes is torn from the very depths of his soul as he drops down onto my chest and cries for what he has lost and maybe even for what he has found. Cradling him gently in my arms, it is all I can do to cry with him, for him.

The time for talk will come later, now it is my turn to be the strong one and be there for him.

***

Turning my face to see the clock, I watch as it changes over to three am, five hours, and except for dragging him into the bedroom and into bed, Ianto hasn't lessened his grip one iota.

I was right, his soul is back to being a torn and bloody mess and he has reverted back to the days when it all began. It is all I can do to hold onto him and relive it with him. The cries he emits rend my heart as his past is brought back to life in front of us both.

His pain as he remembers the loss of his mother, tearing away the only protection he ever had in his life up till that point. That was the day his life changed irrevocably as he bade farewell to his mother on her journey to heaven, he on the other hand entered Dante's Hell.

It is clear from photo's that Ianto does not get his looks from his father, if I didn't know better I would have sworn he was adopted, but from the one photo he has of his mother it is obvious who he took after.

The eyes that look back at me from the photo may just as well have been Ianto himself gazing upon me, they share the same cheekbones and his hint of a smile is echoed in this glimpse of the past. In her arms, a child gazes back up at the one person in his life to truly love him.

Cradling him closer, I tuck his head beneath mine as more tears make their way down my cheek. I have never known one person to live through such adversity and yet still retain such a forgiving and loving nature. I am humbled by the man in my arms.

The loss of his mother signalled the end of his childhood as his father descended into alcoholism, the abuse he meted out during his binges left Ianto with nothing but pain and fear as his constant companions.

His past has left its mark on him as each insult, each broken bone, each time he was dragged into the bedroom and told to strip. All this he spoke of and with each utterance his strength faded until only a raw shell remained.

His monotone recitation of these horrors suffered under his father's hand endlessly tripped off his tongue as if attempting to purge the memory of their existence. Ianto was trying to delete those memories, but in his act of claiming me, the mental wall holding back the past crumbled until all he could do was meet his past the only way he knew how... by choosing his torturer and method of torture himself.

Me.

By trying to accept the past and change his future he has unleashed his own private hell back on himself. By fucking himself on my cock he has reopened the history books and tried to change what was written within.

Christ knows I have done that myself many times, but the end result is always the same. History is already written, the past has already happened. The future is just that, the future, it is only the present that we may alter. The only thing fearful about the past is not being able to face it.

As if my thinking of his father and how he treated Ianto has somehow imposed those images into his mind, he shifts against me, trying to dig himself deeper into me as he fights wakefulness and the knowledge we both now share.

"J'ck?"

"Shhh" I murmur, running my fingers through his hair. "Try get some more sleep."

Futile suggestion, I know, but I am unable to come up with anything better... even that is not the complete truth either I suppose. I need some more time to come to terms with what has happened to him, I need time to understand exactly how he has survived this long hating himself for something he had no control over.

And that is the core of the matter, Ianto craves acceptance because he can't accept himself and his perceived weakness against a monster that had all the control. He can love anyone except himself and it is that self loathing which has recoiled so strongly now he is facing the truth of the past.

"Don't want to sleep Jack, it hurts too much to dream" his voice is but a shadow of his normal one. Three hours of incessant talking combined with gut wrenching sobs have taken their toll and he can barely raise a whisper now.

His eyes, now fully open, are empty, no pain, no anything, just a blankness devoid of spirit or hope. I don't know what more I can do, his mind has gone into shock and he is barely functioning on a basic level, an automaton, no longer human in his own mind.

Ianto's weight lying on me exacerbates the need to go to the bathroom, but his arms are still gripping me tightly, not letting me move at all each time I move his grip tightens and his breathing becomes shallow. It is no use, I have to go.

"Ianto... babe, I have to go to the bathroom." I am getting desperate here, but he just keeps clinging to me, I don't have a choice here. Gently reaching for his hands, I try prising them from my shoulder, nothing, I just can't budge them.

"Babe, either let me go, or do you have a penchant for golden showers?" I hoped that a little humour might get him to loosen up, but all I see is his face blanching and his slight recoil. Swinging my legs off the bed I manage to drag Ianto into an upright position.

"Jack?"

"I've got to go to the bathroom and you can freshen up a bit, c'mon." I have to get him moving, this apathy is unnerving me. Finally shifting my body weight forward I get Ianto to move to the edge of the bed.

"Please Ianto, I have to go."

"Alright...alright" is the listless reply.

Damn, he is already shutting down again, thinking I want to leave him.

"C'mon babe, I'll go to the toilet and then run us a bath, we can soak in the tub for a while." Ahh, that gets his attention.

"Together?" The fear that I will say no implicit in that question almost makes me wish The Doctor was here so I could do a little pre-emptive strike on the fucker that caused it all to start with... still not a bad idea, better file that one away for future reference.

The harsh light in the bathroom really places everything into perspective, Ianto looks as if his very soul has been sucked out of him, red rimmed eyes and tear tracks coursing down both cheeks. But the one thing that stands out the most is the vacant stare looking right through me, looking so far inward and seeing things that only he can see. At this moment, Ianto Jones no longer exists and in his place is just a empty husk.

Washing my hands at the sink I glance up into the mirror and catch this look of absolute hatred and contempt for himself before he schools his features back to blankness. Catching my eyes in the mirror he knows he's been caught and that I wont buy the playing possum routine any more.

I held him, I cried with him, Christ I cried for him and us. I hated and I loved all for him... all for us, but now... now comes the really hard part.

"Babe, I know my timing may suck here, but we do have to talk about this... I mean, you didn't just decide today would be a good time to ride my cock and have a grand mal mental breakdown."

My fear for him has roughened my voice and I know I sound harsh, but I can't help it, what the fuck do you do when faced with something like this. Besides, what's the old saying, 'don't kid a kidder'? Well, I may not have been in the same situation, but I have used the same defence mechanisms, fuck, I should own the patent and the copyright's on those defences.

I've used those same coping skills for so long now, that they are instinctual, hell they're pretty much the way I've survived for the past several decades. I may not know how he's feeling, but I do know why he's feeling it the way he is. Damn, we are more similar than I ever thought.

He lost his mother at a young lad, the only other person in his life, beat, raped and tortured him on a routine basis. No wonder he is terrified to lose someone else he loves, the cycle would then repeat as far as he is concerned.

I know I said earlier that it amazes me how Ianto turned out to be so loving after everything he's been through... maybe, just maybe I can use that same defence mechanism in reverse. Reverse our positions where it is I that is terrified of losing the loved one. Hopefully his love for me is strong enough to pull him out of this self imposed exile idea he has going.

He can't push me away, not for anything, but being as possessive as he is, maybe he won't let me go either. Fuck, no matter what I know it is only a stop gap measure until we sort out what we are going to do.

I know Ianto is a private man and the thought that he would have to speak to a 'counsellor' would leave him cold. Hell, the thought leaves me cold as well.

What I know about psychiatry could be written on the back of a pole dancers g-string and still leave plenty of room for the washing instructions and the makers tag. But if we tried talking to each other, then maybe he will be able to handle things again... maybe I could start to handle things again.

***

Dawn breaks the evenings dark and I still haven't gotten to sleep. It has been eight and a half hours since the apocalypse and yet Abbadon still stalks the night.

He is only visible to those who know heart ache, to those who know pain and to those who know betrayal. I have experienced all three of these but never as strongly as I have tonight.

Ianto's grief and the remembered pain and betrayal of his past stalks through his house as Abbadon and here I stand as witness to the end...

Our legs are intertwined, his head on my chest and his arms around my neck and yet I have never felt such a distance between us. His body may be here, but his soul has gone somewhere so as to not feel pain anymore.

The dawn light filters through the drapes, throwing his features into stark contrast.

'How apt' I mutter to myself as the planes of his body are gilded and darkened by the light. Watching the light move over his body as the sun rises higher I notice that the one place the light does not shine across is his heart. That lays in darkness perpetual.

Stirring against me, I watch as he fights the need to waken, desperately trying to remain in the relative safety of sleep... it is no use though, whether by sleep or by wakefulness this is still there, between us and by my knowing this I can already see the future spread out in front of me.

He will shut down emotionally; he will revert back to 'buttoned down, uptight' Ianto. He will leave me behind, not intentionally mind you, but he will anyway. For where he goes, I can not follow, I can only be there to bring him back... when and if he wishes.

I feel his tired gaze upon me, but I can't meet his eyes. Quietly he disengages his legs and arms from around me and sits up slowly.

"Morning Sir, would you like a coffee?"

I cringe at the honorific, aware of how quickly he is pulling away from me and yet I do nothing to impede his retreat, if anything I hasten it...

"No coffee this morning Ianto, I can't stomach it at the moment."

Watching Ianto stiffen up like I have slapped him, and to be honest my thoughtless words have done that, I know, god I know.

Reaching out to cup his face, he pulls back from me with a cold disdain.

"Well then Sir, might I suggest you have a shower and go back to the Hub. I am sure there are more important things to do there anyway."

Christ, his words flay the skin from my bones and an ice chill settles in my heart at his dismissal.

"Iant... Babe, pleas," my stuttering entreaty is cut off by the sudden shove to my shoulders, almost pushing me out of the bed.

"I believe Sir, I requested you leave, or would you prefer it in simpler terms?"

Fuck, that blast of artic ice lets me know I have been dismissed. I know I should be more understanding, but what does he expect from me, I've had no sleep, the grand daddy of all horror stories thrown at me and I haven't had enough time to assimilate everything yet. I can't help my retort, it is out of my mouth before I think.

"Fine Ianto, I will see you in the Hub at nine am, you were right, there are quite a few things more important to do at the moment. I will see myself out... oh by the way, thanks for the shag."

Reaching behind him, Ianto latches onto the bedside lamp and with one hard yank has ripped it out of the socket and flung it at my head. Barely ducking in time I hear the lamp smash against the wall behind me and am covered in shards of pottery from the impact.

Before me, Ianto is frozen in disbelief and I take one more chance. Moving towards him I reach out and cup his face gently.

"I am sorry Ianto, I know words mean nothing, but I am sorry... Please, don't push me away. I need you whole here with me."

Leaning down I lay a chaste kiss upon his brow, "Carriad," I all but whisper to him.

Looking at his anguished face, his eyes red rimmed trying not to let the tears fall. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly to my chest.

Finally the tears flow as his sobs grow louder and more desperate.

"Why, Jack, why me, why did it have to happen to me, I was a good boy." It is all I can do not to cry along with him as his adult mind tries to comprehend the horror of its past.

I can't answer him, there is no answer I could give, I don't think there really is one...



The day is already hard enough for us both without the well meaning interference from the others.
Take Tosh for example, all she knew was we went home last night to pretty much shag our brains out and now we haven't been seen. Now most people would take that to mean that we were still either a) asleep or b) still shagging, but Tosh no, after we hadn't called in or appeared at the Hub, she took it upon herself to investigate...

It was about eleven in the morning and I am still attached to Ianto like a limpet when we hear keys in the front door.

"Ianto, Jack, where are you guys? Still not doing whatever you guys were doing last night I hope?"

Panic stricken, I look up at Ianto who has the same look of sheer dread on his face as on mine. Holding me tightly, Ianto just shakes his head and tucks it back into my shoulder, he just doesn't want to know. Christ, I don't want to know, but we don't have a choice as Tosh walks into the kitchen to find us there burrowed into each other.

"Uhh, guys, I did knock, but there was no answer." Silence meets her question as Ianto begins to shiver uncontrollably against me.

"Jack, what's going on, you didn't go in nor did you call, but here you two are sitting here as if nothing was wrong?"

Oh fuck, she had to word it like that, didn't she?

A guttural moan from Ianto finally alerts her that all is not well in Jack and Ianto land.

"What's the matter with Ianto, is he sick, should I call Owen?"

At that, Ianto moans out loud, "No, nothing Tosh don't call Owen, just go, please." He's practically begging her, but as usual Tosh can't take the hint.

"If your sick Ianto, Owen is the best one to call," she pleads.

As Ianto gets more distressed I have to answer her.

"No Tosh, just let the others know we won't be in for a couple of days." Judging by the look on her face, Tosh is not convinced that this is a good idea.

"Uh, no questions, it is not for me to say anything. Ianto will tell you all when he is ready, just go and keep the other away from us for a few days. I don't care what you tell them, tell them we are fucking like minks or whatever, JUST GO!"

I can't help it, I know she means well, but her questions and the fact she won't leave is making Ianto worse than before. In the end I know I am not that nice about it, actually, I pretty much yelled at her to get the fuck out.


Looking at me dumbfounded, Tosh realises finally that something is not right.

"Please go Tosh, we'll try explaining later on, but for now, just please go." I'm almost as spent as Ianto by now and my hold on my emotions is almost non-existent. Feeling a tear roll down my cheek I beg her once more, "Please, just keep everyone away for a few days." And I lose the battle to keep control as I pull Ianto back tighter to me and let the tears flow.

Neither of us hears the door close as she leaves and by then neither of us cared. We'll deal with them later, now we have to deal with us.

***

His shivering never falters for the first hour, my legs lost all sensation half an hour ago and there is still no response from Ianto, at least not one that is consciously directed. I am going to lose him if this keeps up.

My eyes follow the progress of the minute hand, one hour, two hours then three. His shivering stopped about and hour and a half ago. He's shutting down on me.

Sitting there, Ianto curled into a foetal ball on my lap, just sitting there, neither of us has the energy to move let alone get up from the chair, so here we stay. Tosh's visit has brought it home to us both, Ianto has to come to terms with this... one way or the other.

I've tried the nurturing, supportive approach and all it has achieved is more tears and heart break for us both. I am loathe to try the tough love tactic just yet, but if he can't begin to snap out of this fugue soon, I may be left with no choice in the matter.

Four hours have passed since Tosh called in and yet nothing from Ianto at all, this fugue state he is in has resisted everything I can throw at him.

"Ianto, Yan babe, come on, I've got to move, my legs have fallen asleep here and you weigh a tonne."

Nothing, no response, not even a blink. There's no help for it. Gripping the table top I make to lift off the chair which has been our home for the past 4 hours.

"Sorry Ianto, this is going to hurt you more than me" I mutter almost as an aside as the muscles in my legs begin to obey the command to stand up.

In the end it makes no difference as Ianto is unceremoniously dumped from my lap onto the cold tiles of the kitchen floor. Like watching in slow motion I see his body tumble to the floor and feel the sickening thud as his head makes contact with the ceramic tiles. The only saving grace is the grunt that is expelled from him as he first hits.

Time begins to move forward at its accustomed pace again as his harsh breathing and pained "Jack" tell me that he is, at least for the moment, back with us in one shape or form again.

Gazing blearily back up at me, Ianto's eyes finally clear enough for me to know that he is, physically at least, ok. What I don't expect is his rasping voice.

"He hurt me Jack, my own father, he beat me, humiliated me... he raped me..."

A look of remembered pain shoots across his face at the last, closing himself off for a second, as his eyes reopen and his breathing settles back into its normal rhythm, he speaks again, this time in a slightly stronger voice.

"I can't forgive him, what he did was unforgivable, but I need to try let it go Jack. I can't be the person I was then and I won't be the person I am now either. I love you Jack, but I can't be with you anymore, at least until I have made sense of it all."

His words eviscerate me, he couldn't have done a better job gutting me if he held the scalpel himself and vivisected me.

"But Yan, I need you here with me, you just can't cut me out of this the same way you want to do with your father."

I can feel the adrenalin surge as fear shoots through me, fear for Ianto, but more for me.

"You just can't shut me away as if he and I were the same. For Christ's sake, I fucking well spent the last couple of days doing everything I could just to keep it together for you, when all I wanted to do is scream and cry, hurt your father like he hurt you. You have no right to shut me out know Ianto Jones, you owe me."

And dammit, the tears are at it again, slowly rolling down my face, I just can't handle it any more.

"So Ianto, when the going gets tough, you get going heh? I never knew you were such a loser, I mean, fuck, everyone has shit in their life that has happened at one point or another, but does that mean we all fuck off the moment it becomes too real for us to handle?"

"Well, does it?"

Silence greets my words, even as impassioned as they are, they are still not enough.

Well fuck you Ianto Jones, time for the coup d'etat .

"You think you can just fuck off away to lick your wounds, well listen here carriad, you want to go away, fine, but you'll be doing it the retconned way, you go, you stay away."

And please, please let this work, I don't have the strength to do this twice, my heart is breaking here, but if it means that he stays and we work together, then maybe... maybe.

Looking down at him, his head turned away in anguish, silent sobs wracking his body as he fights for control. He slowly looks up into my eyes as I harden my expression to granite. This is it, the last shot, if this fails all I have left is abject begging and grovelling. I can't lose him now. I need him.

Shock gives way to fear which in turn morphs to grief, his eyes have always been the way to read Ianto Jones, I just hope to Christ that I have read him rightly this time.

"You'd retcon me?" His eyes are wide and unbelieving.

"You're giving me no choice Ianto, you know the rules as well as I do. If you push me to it, I will."

He will never know what it is costing me, this impassive tone, the blasé front, the indifferent manner, 'cos inside I'm anything but indifferent.

"I... I thought I was giving you an out Jack, but I still mean what I said, we can't continue this way. There is all too much going on inside my head for me to handle as well as dealing with such an intense relationship with you at the same time."

His words, haltingly at first, gather strength and momentum and I finally realise that even after everything he's gone through, he's still thinking of me and how I fit into his life.

Slowly I let the impassive mask drop and let him see me for who I am and what we are together.

"Yan, no matter how you look at it, we have always interacted in extremis, regardless of it being adversarial, in camaraderie or sexually. How about, just for once, we be Jack and Ianto, no games or hidden agendas, no 'scenes' or yes sir no sir. Do you think we could do that?"

Peasepleaseplease, it is the only thought going through my head, this is it, all or nothing. Ianto will either decide to stay or he will leave. I don't have any more aces up my sleeve, not more hands to deal, this is it.

"Jack... I do need you, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but can you handle a simple relationship, back to square one?"

His words open the flood gates once more as I feel the burning of fresh tears course down my cheeks.

"Ianto Jones, I can, I will and I do."

The irony makes me chuckle a little, maybe it is hysteria, but I still feel a little better than I did last night.

"I'll have to see someone professionally Jack, I can't do this on my own, even with you, this needs someone outside the dynamic, otherwise this will never work."

I have to admit that he is thinking more forward than I gave him credit for, only 15 minutes prior, he was catatonic on my lap, now he is thinking positively and ahead. I can only hope that this is just not another one of Ianto's facades, another mask he puts on to those around him.

Gathering him into my arms, I am met with a slight resistance, hopefully he is telling me the truth and he is not ready yet for a full relationship. If it was a mask, he would have come to me willingly.

I trust Ianto Jones with my life, my heart and my soul, but do I trust him with his?



Thus ends the Ragnarok Cycle, TBC with Purgatory's Journey.

Excerpt:

"... but I'm not sure of anything anymore Jack, between Owen's aggressiveness and Gwen's indifference, I don't know how we can go on."

I have been expecting this since his last session with that quack, he's shifting blame away from himself and onto others as a means of externalising conflict. That will never work and this quack he's seeing... something just doesn't add up there. I really need to check this out further.

***