Title: Restless Wind
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 2, letter100
Prompt: 40, Restless
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones, the Tenth Doctor, or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

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Dear Jack,

Ever since you decided to leave Torchwood and be with me on a regular basis, our relationship had been getting better and better. You've changed in so many ways, and I've long since realised that I'm happier than I've ever been in my life with you by my side.

But there's a dark cloud hanging over the horizon, one that I can see getting darker in the future. There are times when I look into your eyes and I can see the restlessness that used to characterise our relationship in the old days, before you realised that you needed me.

That restless wind in your soul terrifies me, Jack. Am I doing the wrong thing for myself in taking the chance that you might not be with me for the long haul? I don't want to believe that, yet something in my hearts tells me that it's true.

Nothing frightens me so much as the thought of losing you again. I couldn't deal with that a second time, Jack. I'm not making any threats; I'm simply telling you. I don't know what will happen if I have to go through that kind of emotional pain again.

Maybe I'm completely wrong, and what I read in your eyes isn't that restless spirit that's always been a part of who you are coming out. Maybe I'm only seeing the residue of something you've willingly left behind, something that I don't have to be afraid of.

I hope more than anything else that I'm wrong, that it's not restlessness I sense in you, or that I see in your eyes. I hope that it's something completely different, something that I might not have deal with before, that we can discuss between ourselves.

Is it, Jack? Do you feel that restless wind sweeping over you again, trying to take you far away from me into a life that I can't share? Is that what I see in your eyes, what I sense in you when you hold me and yet you're a million miles away?

Or is it something else, something that I don't know about? Is it something that could prove even more fatal to our relationship, something that will take you far away from me again -- and this time, that there might be no coming back from?

I don't want to think like that, Jack. I don't want to feel that this restlessness I can sense in you is yet another portent that we won't last, that you'll eventually decide to leave me again. I don't want to feel that you and I are together on borrowed time.

This wouldn't be the first time I've felt that way; I could sense before when you were getting restless, and that there was a storm brewing, long before that day when you dropped your bombshell and told me that you were leaving. I know what it's like to feel that devastation.

I was hoping that I would never have to feel that clutching of my hearts in my chest again, the sinking knowledge that I'm losing the person I love. I know all too well what that feeling is like, and it's not one that I'm looking forward to experiencing again.

You're not the first person that I've ever had that feeling with, you know. Other companions have made the decision to leave, and I've had that same sinking feeling, knowing that someone who's meant a great deal to me was leaving for good.

But it's different with you, Jack. You're the only companion who's left a hole in my hearts when you made that decision, the only person who's been a lover as well as a companion. You're the only one who could ever completely devastate me by leaving.

I want to ask you if you're feeling restless, if you feel that I'm not enough for you and that you need to leave me again to find what you're looking for. But truth be told, I'm afraid to do that. I'm far too afraid that your answer will be "yes" -- and that I'll have to let you go.

That's the last thing I want to do -- but if it's what I need to do for you to be happy, then I will. I don't have the right to keep you back from a life that you want, Jack, a life that will fulfill you in every way. If you can't have that life with me, then it's better that you leave.

I've started to ask you about that restlessness several times now, but I haven't been able to make myself do it. I'm too terrified of what you'll say -- and too scared of losing you for a second time. And you know that if we part again, there's no coming back.

I can't do that to myself again, Jack. I can't keep letting you go and then having you walk back into my life when you decide that you want to be with me for a while before you're bored and want to leave again. I'm not that strong, love. I can't put myself through that. Not again.

You have to know that if you're restless enough to leave this time, that it won't be for just a little while -- it will be for good. We might still be able to be friends -- the universe needs the both of us too much for us not to work together if we need to -- but that will be all.

It would be hard enough to simply be friends with you, after all that you've meant to me. There's no way that I could take you back into my bed, and into my hearts, again if you decide to leave. That would be giving up too much of my hearts. I've done it once. But no more.

So, think about it very carefully before giving me any kind of an answer to the questions I've brought up here, Jack. If you feel restless, then be honest with me. But don't tell me that you're going to leave, or that you need to leave, and expect to be welcomed back.

I've taken you back once. I can't do it a second time. I only hope that I won't have to, and that the feeling I'm starting to get from you is something that my anxious mind is making up, something that doesn't actually exist and is nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

We need to talk about this, to get our feelings and our intentions out in the open. I can't deal with another surprise like the one you sprung on me the last time you left, Jack. I can't take that. And I don't think you would want to be cruel enough to do that to me again.

I hope that the restless wind I can sense blowing through you is just my imagination, and that you'll be able to tell me honestly that I'm worried about nothing. But until then, the thought will be in the back of my mind that I may be losing you again -- for good this time.

Your

Doctor

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