Title: Scheduling
By: Sphinxey
Pairings: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
A/N: This bit me late at night and wouldn't let me sleep until I wrote it.
Disclaimer: Don't own anything except the aliens.
Summary: Ianto has an unusual way of getting rid of this alien threat.

***

"Oh no, stop right there," yelled Ianto Jones as he hurried out of the tourist information centre. "Hey, you, yes you lot with green skin and umbrellas, I'm talking to you, stop right there!"

The quartet in question obeyed, probably more out of shock at hearing a human shouting in their own language than anything else, a trick achieved through liberal use of an intergalactic translator, and waited until Ianto caught up with them.

"Right," he said firmly, a clipboard held in one hand, a pen in the other. "I'm afraid you have to leave. We're already fully booked."

The green alien blinked, "I'm sorry?"

"I said you'll have to leave, our calendar is already full for this week. See, Sontarans 9-1, Nestene Consciousness 2-7, then tomorrow we have the Slitheen 10-2 and a short spell of weevils 3-5 before werewolves 7-11. So I'm afraid you're going to have to leave. Sorry for the waster trip and all."

As he spoke he showed them a brightly coloured excel spreadsheet showing timings and species for each day of the week. It was an impressive affair, with the team appointments in blue, solos for Jack in red, technical conundrums in yellow, police liaison matters in green and 'other' in purple, and each entry was striped with a different colour to show the species of the threat. The aliens looked rather impressed.

Meanwhile Ianto was flipping through the pages on the clipboard. "I can give you 3 hours next Friday," he commented after a minute, "or 5 hours the Wednesday after, although that's just before the Sycorax, and they sometimes get a bit uptight and try to push in…"

One of the aliens held up a ha..tentacle. "It is alright, we will go. We would hate to disrupt your schedule."

With that they vanished, presumably teleporting back to their ship. Ianto couldn't resist a smug grin as he went back into the hub. "Ok, pay up," he told Jack as he entered to find the Captain and Gwen huddled around the CCTV screen.

Jack looked annoyed but dug into his pocket and withdrew 5 ten pound notes. "I still don't get how you did it," he complained.

Ianto grinned. "Easy," he said. "The Melvar are one of the most organised species in the universe. They schedule everything, and interrupting someone's schedule is one of the worst things you can do. One packed schedule for Torchwood and voila, no more aliens."

Jack leant in and kissed the younger man. "Does that schedule have any free time?" he asked huskily. Ianto swallowed and reached for the clipboard, noticing Gwen had disappeared. He scribbled out one of the entries and wrote something in its place.

"It would appear we have a sudden cancellation," he murmured in Jack's ear. "Whatever are we going to do to pass the time?"

Needless to say Jack had a few ideas.

***