Title: Shadow on the Sun
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 9, Struggle
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto sighed, resting his chin on his hand as he sat at the kitchen table in his flat. He wanted to go back into the bedroom to see how the Doctor was doing, but he knew that the Time Lord was asleep, and he didn't want to disturb the other man.

After what he'd been through, he needed to rest. Ianto closed his eyes, wishing that he could turn back time and make things different from what they had been. They'd both been unprepared for the advent of the Master in their lives, and they'd paid the price for it.

If only he'd been better able to take care of the Doctor, more prepared for the eventuality of the Master showing up .... but it did no good to second-guess events after the fact. All he could hope to do now was pick up the pieces.

The Doctor insisted that he was fine, that Ianto didn't need to do anything for him but let him rest and recover his strength. But the young man couldn't help feeling that the Doctor needed more than that, though he really didn't have a clue as to just what that was.

Still, he didn't feel that he could question what the Time Lord told him. The Doctor hadn't had to take the physical punishment the Master had meted out to him; he could have regenerated into a new body rather than deal with the pain of this one.

But he hadn't done that. He'd chosen to stay in this body and suffer -- because Ianto loved this body and wanted him to keep it.

Of course, if the Doctor's life had been threatened, Ianto would have been the first person to insist that he regenerate. He wasn't going to put the man he loved in mortal danger, though he had a terrible fear of what could happen when the Doctor regenerated.

What if his feelings for Ianto changed when he was in a new body? He'd told Ianto several times that his personality changed with each new body; it was still him, but it wasn't only his appearance that would change.

He wouldn't be the same man. And Ianto couldn't help but be terrified that if the Doctor was forced to regenerate, their relationship would somehow be skewered, that it would never be the same as it was now. That everything would be completely different.

And of course there was his biggest fear -- that he wouldn't be attracted to the Doctor's next body, that he would turn away from the man he loved because he wouldn't feel that the Doctor was the same man any longer.

He wouldn't be the same. He would look different; he would be different. He would still have the memories of their time together, but he might not have the same emotions. They might both change irrevocably, to the point where they couldn't be together any longer.

That was the most terrifying thing that Ianto could think of. And apparently it terrified the Doctor too, or he wouldn't have clung to this body and refused to let himself regenerate.

He'd seen how the Doctor had struggled to maintain who he was in the face of the mental and physical torture that the Master had influcted on him. He'd seen how hard it was for the Time Lord to not give in and do what the Master had wanted.

Ianto had never been so terrified in his life -- terrified that the Doctor would be forced to surrender, that both of their lives would be torn apart by that maniac's actions. He'd been sure that their story would end there, on that desolate planet with no one to help them.

But at the same time, he'd never been so proud of the Time Lord; he'd been able to tell himself that this noble, self-sacrificing man was his, that the Doctor had chosen to love him, even though he was sure that he didn't deserve the love of such a man.

How had they managed to escape? He'd never really know if it was something that the Time Lord had done, or if it had been sheer good luck. It was all a blur, really; he couldn't clearly remember how they'd made it back to the Tardis and left the planet.

The important thing was that they had,. he told himself firmly, trying to push away the fear that clutched at his heart again when he remembered how the Time Lord had looked, the ashen grey of his face, the thready pulse that he'd been sure would stop at any moment.

He wouldn't have known what to do if the Doctor had died. He'd have had no idea of how to bring the man he loved back; he would have had to deal with that loss.

Ianto took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He could feel the fear just under the surface; it was threatening to break out, trying to overwhelm him. They had come through that experience relatively unscathed. The Doctor just needed to rest and he would be all right.

Wasn't that what the Time Lord had told him? The Doctor wouldn't lie, not about something that he knew was as important to Ianto as his well-being. If he was in any danger, he would say so. He'd said that he just needed time to recuperate, and Ianto believed him.

But that didn't keep the fear from hovering, casting a dark shadow over the bright surface of his life with the Doctor. Try as he might, he couldn't keep back the feeling that the Doctor was always going to go out of his way to run towards trouble, rather than away from it.

He sighed again, leaning back in the chair and closing his eyes. He couldn't expect the Doctor not to rush into danger; that was a large part of who the man he loved was. And he wouldn't change the Time Lord; he loved the other man exactly as he was, with no reservations.

Ianto knew that the Doctor was struggling to deal with what had been done to him; he didn't want to make that any harder for the other man. He didn't need to throw his own fears into the mix; the Time Lord was having a hard enough time as it was.

Maybe their life together would always be a struggle for both of them in some ways; but he hadn't expected a life with someone who wasn't human to be easy.

He had no right to expect the Doctor to sacrifice himself in any way for Ianto and their relationship. Yet the Time Lord had done so; he'd subjected himself to mental and physical torture rather than take the easy way out and regenerate.

That sacrifice had been made for Ianto, for what they had together. The Doctor would have to deal with the memories of what had been done to him for the rest of his life -- not just in this body, but in the next one he regenerated into as well. At least, Ianto thought he would.

After all, didn't the Doctor's memories carry over into his next incarnation? His personality might not be the same, but he was the same man mentally, with all the memories and experience garnered over his long life.

He'd chosen not to regenerate and save himself pain so that he would be able to keep this body for Ianto. The young man was sure that if it had been up to the Doctor, he wouldn't have done it; he'd have let his injured body go.

Maybe he would have been reluctant to do it, but he would have. Or would he? Ianto knew that the Doctor liked the body he was in now; maybe he'd have chosen to keep it, regardless of whatever the consequences might be. He didn't know the Time Lord's mind, after all.

But he did know what was in the Doctor's hearts. And he knew that the other man's choice to let himself be damaged had been mainly for his lover.

Would their life together always be one struggle after another, punctuated by the happy moments they managed to snatch for themselves? Ianto couldn't help but feel that it would be -- but it was life that he wouldn't give up.

In spite of the fact that life with the Doctor was never going to be smooth sailing, he knew that there was no one else he'd ever choose to be with. The Time Lord was the love of his life -- a love that he knew he could never walk away from.

The Master, Cybermen, Daleks, other alien dangers .... they'd more than likely always be a shadow on the sun for the two of them. But as long as he was with the Doctor, Ianto was willing to face those threats. They were part and parcel of the life that he'd chosen to live.

Ianto pushed himself back from the table, getting up and heading out of the kitchen. He wanted to be by the Doctor's side when he woke up, in case the Time Lord needed him -- just as he would always be.

***