Title: Tail Play - The Affair
By: Jessie Blackwood
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: NC-17
Series: 1) Tail Play, 2) Tail Play 2
Note: This is a little crack but then, it came from some rather crazy role play discussion my mate and I got into late one night. It comes from the simple fact that Jack has to be a Tigger (well, there's only one of him, he's bouncy, he's irrepressible, irritating but well meaning, among other things and adorable too of course) and a tigger has a tail. So, what if the humans of Boeshane were not entirely human by the time the 51st Century came round? What might they have added in there...
Standard disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or anything to do with it, it remains in the copyrighted hands of Mr Davies and the BBC. Tigger is the property of Disney although the mention of him is very brief... I'm not earning anything from it, I'm simply having fun with it and thank you for the opportunity. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Summary: An alien artefact tumbles through the Rift and causes a little problem with Jack's DNA. A cracky little fic, the result of a humorous discussion one night concerning the introduction of Alien DNA into 51st Century humans.

***

Jack realised early on that Ianto was having an affair behind his back. He would wake in the morning to find the man tucked behind him spooning and crooning and whispering sweet nothings. He had obviously been doing so while Jack was asleep. When Jack roused and rolled over, he would stop, somewhat guiltily, and try to cover his murmurings by kissing the captain on the lips and making every effort to distract him. It usually worked.

Jack would hear him while they were at work, as they settled on the couch together, snatching a few minutes peace, sipping Ianto's wonderful coffee and relaxing. Ianto would start to murmur complements and his hands would roam and they wouldn't be roaming over the captain's body. No, he had other things on his mind.

"I know you're having an affair, Ianto," Jack confronted him about it one morning. Ianto blushed and stammered and backed himself into a corner of the office.

"Well, at least it's with someone close to you," he defended.

"Yeah but really, you might have told me. It's hard to take, that he's more interesting than I am."

"Yeah, well, he's giving me something you can't, Jack."

"Yeah? What would that be?"

"He loves me..."

"I love you," Jack said indignantly.

"He listens to me."

"So do I, don't I?"

"He doesn't answer back..." The good Captain had no answer to that. "And he's very flexible..."

"Hell, you know how flexible I can be." Ianto had no answer to that.

"Well, he understands me, and he's very good..."

"Oh please, not that old chestnut again." Jack had a wide grin in place and Ianto could no longer keep a straight face.

"What are you two arguing about?" Gwen demanded. "Ianto cannot be having an affair. He's besotted with you."

"Oh, I am having an affair, Gwen," Ianto admitted. "Sorry to have to tell you but you're wrong. I've found someone else, someone handsome, sensual, playful..."

"Ianto?" Gwen was horrified.

"What? You think I can't find anyone else?"

"No, it's not that...just I thought you and Jack were...well, you know, attached."

"We are."

"Soooo... look, sorry, but...short answer's please... you and Jack are together, but now Ianto's got someone else, so what the fuck have I missed? I have no idea what's going on here. Would you two mental muppets please make sense for us poor city folk?"

Jack laughed and Ianto grinned. "Sorry, Gwen," Ianto said, almost contrite. "It's really quite simple. I'm afraid I'm going behind Jack's back on this one, quite literally in fact. I've developed rather a fascination with his tail. It's very prehensile, it has a life of its own. I'm just... besotted, I guess."

"His tail? You're having an affair with his tail?" Ianto nodded.

"Lucky me, hah?" Jack said. "We've got a threesome going on here. Me, Ianto and my tail. I dare say it's very much a polyamorous relationship. Tail goes everywhere with us, sometimes even gets to be in the middle in bed."

Gwen shook her head, huffed a sigh, did an eye roll to rival one of Ianto's best and stalked off, wanting to bury herself in her work before her co-worker and her boss went completely round the bend. Torchwood, she thought, bloody Torchwood. It's sending everyone daft.

"So, you and tail, you gonna make it official?" Jack wanted to know.

"What? As in rings and wedding bells and such? Not sure. Not certain he's interested in commitment. Much like his owner in that, I think."

"Hey, never said I wouldn't make it official. You never asked."

"Neither did you."

"You want to?"

"Jack, are you proposing to me?"

"If you like."

"That must be the singularly most unromantic way anyone has ever proposed to anyone."

"What'd'ya want? Hearts and flowers? Romance? Never had you pinned for a romantic, Ianto."

"Well, I'm not, not necessarily. But you might have put a little more thought into it. Not to mention a little more effort."

"Okay, then. Gimme some time. I'll come up with something."

0o0o0o0o0o0

"This is nice." Ianto surveyed the menu in the little Italian restaurant and smiled at Jack who was sitting opposite him and grinning like a maniac. "What's the matter? This can't be because the Rift has suddenly given us a respite for tonight..."

"Nah, I just like this, Ianto. You, me, being normal."

"Jack, since when could we ever be considered normal?"

"We're doing normal things, like dating, eating out, chatting. I think this is normal anyway."

"Jack, you are dating a man, you are from the 51st century, you have catkind DNA and you have a tail. A bit not normal, wouldn't you say?"

"Dating a man is normal. We're in the 21st century, not the dark ages..."

"Yes, and a few people still like to go gay bashing now and again." Jack shrugged at Ianto's observations.

"Yes, but us sitting here is more normal now that it was 100 years ago, believe me. Times have changed." Jack applied himself to his food, although his eyes remained thoughtful.

When they finally sat there with coffees, pleasantly full and content, Ianto felt an insistent nudging under the table. "Jack..." he said warningly, but Jack smiled innocently.

"What?"

"What? I'll give you what..." At that moment, Jack's tail tip appeared, stroking slowly along Ianto's thigh. Ianto caught a glint of...something bright. He reached down but tail flicked away, teasing. "Jack..."

"Oh, alright." Tail disappeared from under the table and emerged again out from under the table cloth. Ianto caught hold and stroked the fur, eliciting a soft moan from its owner. Then he frowned and a number of other emotions chased themselves across his face as he captured and then freed something metallic that had been tied to the end. A ring? "Jack?"

"Well, considering you're been conducting this love affair with him, I figured he ought to be the one to give it to you." Jack smiled. "Ianto Jones, Tail would very much like to know if you would marry him, if you could make a go of it, despite...well...everything."

"Because of everything," Ianto retorted. "The answer is definitely..." Jack's phone rang, shattering the moment.

"Piss off, Owen!"Jack snapped into his mobile. There was some static chatter then Jack snapped a terse instruction to meet them nearby. "Sorry, Ianto," he said, snapping his phone shut. "Emergency. Some idiot is selling dogon eyes again, in a pub, in Penarth. We gotta go."

"You don't want to know my answer then?"

"Of course I do, but I can wait." Tail chose that moment to snatch Ianto's wrist and pull him close. Ianto yelped but moved nonetheless. Jack pressed their lips together.

"You don't have to wait," Ianto said, coming up for air. "Owen can do the waiting this time. The answer is..."

Jack frowned, caught up in Ianto's stare. "Yeah?" he prompted huskily.

"Yes, Jack. Yes, I will marry you. If for no other reason than you shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised."

Jack grinned. "You're gonna make an honest tail out of him then?"

Ianto grinned in return. "Of course. I would be failing in my duty if I left him without a minder... Now, come on, this is something I don't want to miss."

"What is? A man selling Dogon eyes in Penarth?"

"No, you Muppet. Owen's expression when we tell him, of course..."

***