Title: The Head and the Heart
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Rating: PG-13
Table: C, lover100
Prompt: 56, Trust
Author's Note: Continuation of All of You.
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my own imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own the Tenth Doctor or Jack Harkness. Please do not sue.

***

Jack sighed inwardly as he stared at the wall of the bedroom he now shared with the Doctor. The Time Lord had fallen asleep in his arms after they'd made love yet again, for the third time that night, but he himself was still wide awake.

It felt strange to be back here on the Tardis. Strange, and yet somehow comforting and familiar. The Hub had never really felt like his home, not in all the time he'd spent there. It was always cold and impersonal, as though there was some intrinsic element missing.

Jack knew what that element was. It was the Doctor who had been missing. If the TIme Lord had been there at the Hub with him, he would have felt completely comfortable in the space he'd inhabited. But he had never really felt that he belonged there.

He had stayed there of his own free will. Nothing had forced him to make the decision to walk away from the Doctor; he'd done it because he'd honestly felt that in the long run, it was what would be best for both of them, for himself more than for the Time Lord.

He'd known that he was in love with the Doctor, and that had made him uncomfortable. He'd been in love before, of course. But this was different; the Doctor was unlike anyone he'd ever known or loved, and he felt that he was at a disadvantage.

Before, it had always been his choice whether to end a relationship or not. And he'd always felt that no relationship was worth giving up his freedom for. Love always faded for him; it would never be something that lasted and kept him physically faithful.

But with the Doctor, it was different. He'd known from the first few times they'd slept together that he wanted to be faithful to this man. No one else interested him, or even aroused him past the first few stirrings of physical desire, stirrings that were only momentary.

He was terrified of those emotions. He didn't want to tie himself down, he'd told himself fiercely, forcing himself to believe those words. He would only do the Doctor a grave disservice by staying with him and eventually turning to other people and breaking the Time Lord's hearts.

So he'd chosen to walk away, and Torchwood had been a very convenient excuse. He'd known in his heart that it was a lie, but he wasn't about to tell the Doctor that. He wanted the Time Lord to believe that he was some sort of hero, sacrificing his happiness for the good of the universe.

Jack almost snorted aloud at the thought. He was no hero, and he never had been. Not like the Doctor, who was completely selfless and had never given a second thought to sacrificing his own personal happiness for others.

He'd tried to fool himself into thinking that walking away had been for the best. But it hadn't been. It had only served to make him feel more alone, more isolated, even though he'd made some good friends and had tried his best to fit into the 21st century.

But he knew that he had never really managed to fit in. There were always too many secrets, too many things that he had to keep to himself. He'd never been able to be perfectly honest about who he was; it was the same life he'd led through all of his long centuries on Earth.

The Doctor couldn't have given him a more fitting punishment if he'd tried, Jack through ruefully, running a gentle hand through the Time Lord's soft hair. He had felt exiled, cut off from the one person who he knew could make him happy.

During all of his time with Torchwood, he'd known what the Doctor must feel like -- alone in a world that would never truly accept him for who and what he was, having to hold himself aloof and keep so much about who he was secret from even those closest to him.

All he'd really wanted to do during his time there in Cardiff was to find the Doctor again, to go back to him and beg his forgiveness. But he'd had too much stiff-necked pride to call the Time Lord back, to tell him how he truly felt.

No, he'd simply let both of them suffer for far too long. He'd made the mistake of walking away, and he'd told himself over and over again that he had to face the consequences of that mistake. But it hadn't occurred to him just how much his leaving had hurt the Doctor.

He'd never stopped to think of how deeply he'd cut into the Time Lord's hearts with his rejection. He had told himself that the Doctor was used to having people walk away from him, taking up the threads of their former lives as though they'd never been with him.

If he had given that a single thought when he'd made the decision to leave, it would have been so much harder for him to walk away. Instead, he'd focused on what was right for him, without considering how much damage he was doing to another person.

He had forfeited the Doctor's trust when he'd turned his back on all that they had shared. And he knew that it was going to take a very long time to earn that trust back -- if he ever could. One thing Jack knew was that the Time Lord didn't give his trust easily.

Jack sighed again, more audibly this time. If he'd really thought it through before he'd left, he would never have done it. He wouldn't have put both of them through such interminable longing, making them both scuttle into self-imposed emotional shells to protect their hearts.

He'd made a decision between the head and the heart, and he'd let the head win out. He'd looked at the situation in the cold light of day, without letting his emotions get in the way. He'd pushed the heart aside and refused to listen to what it was trying to tell him.

That was a mistake that he wasn't going to make again, Jack vowed, pulling the Doctor closer against the warmth of his body. He had this man back in his arms now, and that was how it was going to stay. He wasn't going to walk away a second time.

This time, he would listen to his heart first and foremost. He'd made a mistake before that had nearly cost him the love of his life, and he'd had far too much experience with losing those he cared about to risk losing that love yet again.

His head had led him the wrong way before; he'd thought too much about what he was doing, instead of simply listening to his heart and doing what he knew would make him happy. And he'd not only almost destroyed his own happiness, but the Doctor's as well.

Never again, he vowed to himself, bowing his head to press a gentle kiss against the Doctor's hair. The other man stirred in his arms, snuggling closer to him. Jack couldn't repress a smile, a feeling of pure and utter contentment seeping through his body and soul.

This was where he wanted to be. Where he'd always wanted to be, if he was perfectly honest with himself. This was why he'd felt so isolated when he was with Torchwood; because he hadn't had the other half of his soul beside him.

Maybe walking away had done him some good. It had at least shown him what he truly wanted, and where he belonged. He'd put the two of them through hell, but maybe this time around, they would be stronger for what they'd endured.

The heart had definitely won out over the more practical head, Jack said to himself, finally closing his eyes and letting himself relax. And from now on, he was going to make sure that he listened to that heart. Some inner instinct told him that it would never lead him astray.

***