Title: Torture To Me
By: angstytimelord
Pairing: Ianto Jones/Tenth Doctor
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Rating: R
Table: 2, 10_hurt_comfort
Prompt: 10, Torture
Disclaimer: This is entirely a product of my imagination, and I make no profit from it. I do not own Ianto Jones or the Tenth Doctor. Please do not sue.

***

Ianto gathered the Doctor into his arms, looking down at the Time Lord with a worried expression on his face. The other man looked better than he had when Ianto had stumbled into the Tardis with the Time Lord in his arms, but he was still worried.

At least he'd gotten the Doctor out of the situation they'd been in, he told himself with an inward sigh. That was something to be grateful for, that he'd had the presence of mind to wait until it was safe to get them both out of there and not fallen apart.

He'd learned the folly of rushing into any situation with guns blazing -- at least, he hoped he had. There was always the temptation to do just that any time he felt that the Doctor was in danger -- but he'd held himself back from doing something rash this time, even though it had been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.

He would always hear the Doctor's agonized screams ringing in his ears, he was sure of it. And he'd had to hide himself and listen .... it had felt as though his heart was ripping into shreds every time the Doctor had screamed, until he'd wanted to cover his ears.

But he hadn't done it. He'd closed his eyes, not wanting to watch his lover suffer -- but he hadn't been able to close his hearing off. He'd had to at least keep his ears open, to know when the men who'd been inflicting such pain on the Doctor left the room.

It had been a risky venture, trying to rescue the Time Lord by himself, but he knew that he didn't have time to get to Torchwood and enlist Jack's help.

He would have had to tell Jack just what had happened, why he and Doctor were where they'd been -- and he wasn't quite sure of that himself. He only knew that the Doctor had received some kind of urgent call for help, a call that had turned out to be fake.

The Time Lord had been telling the truth when he'd told Ianto that he had enemies all over the galaxy, the young man thought, pulling the Doctor's slender body closer against his own and stroking gentle fingers through the other man's soft hair. They'd managed to separate him from Ianto and capture him before either of them had known what was happening.

They'd made their first mistake when they'd thought that Ianto was merely going to sit back and let them harm his lover -- or that he would run away in fear. He had no intention of doing either, and he'd followed them to where they'd taken the Doctor.

Witnessing the torture that his love had been put through was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but he knew that it would be fatal for both of them if he'd tried to rescue the Doctor before the Time Lord''s captors let their guard down. He'd had no choice but to be an unwilling witness.

He'd been tortured as much as the Doctor had, albeit in a much different way, Ianto thought grimly, wishing that he could delete the memory from his mind. If only there was some way that he could force himself to forget what he'd seen and heard ....

It was over now, he reminded himself. The Doctor was here, safe in his arms, and Ianto hoped that he would be able to help the Time Lord forget that time he'd been tortured in that "laboratory."

Ianto closed his eyes, swallowing hard, pressing his face against the Doctor's hair. All he wanted to do was to erase those images from his mind, shut out the remembered sound of the Doctor's cries from his mind. He didn't think it would ever go away.

The Doctor hadn't done anything to make anyone want to hurt him in that way -- nothing but having the misfortune to be who he was. He'd been tortured for no other reason than to pander to an enemy's need for revenge, to cause him pain in any way they could, simply so they could watch him suffer and somehow feel vindicated.

He couldn't help but wonder how many times the Doctor had been forced to endure similar treatment in the past. Probably quite a lot -- but this time, the outcome had been different. He hadn't had to depend on himself to get out of the situation.

Of course, he'd had other companions in the past who had probably helped him to escape. Ianto had to concede that fact, however reluctantly. But he was more than a companion. He was the Doctor's lover, his soul mate. Not merely someone who traveled with the Time Lord.

If only he'd been able to do more -- to stop what had happened. But if he'd tried to do that, then he'd have found himself in the same position as the Doctor -- or he would have been dead. He doubted that the Time Lord's enemies would have wasted time with him.

Still .... he felt like a coward. He'd hidden there, listening to what was being done to his lover, until he'd known that it was safe for him to show himself and get them out of there.

Did that mean that he cared for himself more than he did the Doctor? Was the fact that he'd hidden away and made himself listen to the man he loved suffering proof that he thought more or himself than of his lover? He didn't want to believe that, but he couldn't keep himself from pointing the finger of blame squarely in his own direction.

If he hadn't kept himself hidden, he could have very well been killed. That would have taken away the Doctor's will to live -- and he might have let his enemies do away with him, sacrificing himself in the name of a broken heart. Or hearts, in his case.

That was only a rationalization, Ianto told himself, biting his lip. He didn't want to think that he was a coward, or that he hadn't moved more quickly to rescue the Doctor because he was more concerned with protecting himself. But he had to face the possibility.

He had to make sure that he would be there to get the Doctor back to the Tardis. If he'd jumped into the situation head first without formulating some kind of plan, the odds were that the Doctor would still be in the clutches of his enemies -- dead or alive.

His lover wouldn't have wanted him to take that kind of a risk. Even though the Time Lord had been through hell, he would have said that in the circumstances, it was necessary.

Ianto didn't want to think that way. He didn't want to give credence to the thought that what had been done to the Doctor had been inevitable. But he knew that was what the Time Lord would say; he'd insist that Ianto had done the right thing.

He'd made his decision, and it was over and done now. But he would always berate himself for not doing what the Doctor would have undoubtedly cautioned him against, and jumping in without looking or forming some plan of escape first. The other man would say that he'd done the right thing, but he would always have a hard time convincing himself of that.

The guilt that he'd feel for not going to his love's rescue immediately would haunt him forever. And that was no more than what he deserved, Ianto thought bleakly, sighing softly as he cradled the Doctor close against his body.

At least the Doctor looked better now -- the grayish tinge was gone from his skin, and there was color back in his cheeks. He was also breathing more easily; if there had been any fear for his life, Ianto was sure that he was past the critical stage now.

He had no one to blame for that but himself, Ianto thought bitterly. If he'd been able to get the Doctor out of there sooner, maybe none of this would have happened.

It didn't matter that it had been torture to him to know what was happening to the Doctor. The Time Lord had been through infinitely worse, and he hadn't been able to stop it from happening. That knowledge was even more torturous than witnessing what had taken place.

The Doctor would tell him not to blame himself, that he'd only done what he had to. But Ianto couldn't help feeling that if their positions had been reversed, the Doctor would have found some way to save him, to keep him from being harmed. He hadn't been able to do that for the man he loved, and the guilt would weigh on him more and more heavily with time.

Sighing again, he raised a hand to brush a few errant strands of hair back from the Doctor's face. He gazed into the Doctor's face, wanting to imprint those beloved features on his mind's eye, rather than the vision that was fixed into his memory at the moment.

Ianto knew that he would be seeing that vision in his mind for quite a while to come. All that he could do was to hope that he'd eventually be able to put it behind him, stop torturing himself for what he hadn't been able to prevent -- and concentrate on keeping the Doctor safe in the future.

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